Resilience After Loss: Walking Through Grief Together

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Coach Jim Clayton: You know, believe in yourself or nobody else will.

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Randy Black: Set the bar high, achieve greatness, and stay motivated through the process.

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Randy Black: You know what that spells

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Randy Black: Bam son!

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Randy Black: This is Shooting It Straight, the podcast where life lessons don’t come sugar-coated and excuses get checked at the door.

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Randy Black: I’m Randy Black, podcast guy, educator, and resident technique.

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Randy Black: And apparently, still the only one here who

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Randy Black: does yell bam son in public.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And I’m Elizabeth Clayton, stepping into some big shoes, ready to ask the tough questions, call it like it is, and maybe even challenge Randy a little along the way.

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Randy Black: Each week we’re taking what life teaches us.

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Randy Black: The discipline, the drive, the lessons you can’t just read in a book, and translating it into real-world success.

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Elizabeth Clayton: That’s right.

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Elizabeth Clayton: This is about showing up when life gets messy, pushing through when the pressure’s on, and figuring out how to get better, no matter what.

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Randy Black: looking for fluff then probably isn’t your show.

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Elizabeth Clayton: We’re here to help you believe bigger, achieve louder, and motivate stronger.

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Elizabeth Clayton: So buckle up and whatever you do, keep shooting it straight.

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Randy Black: Bam son

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Randy Black: Welcome back to Shooting It Straight.

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Randy Black: I’m Randy Black, and I’ll be joined in conversation here shortly by my co-host, Elizabeth Clayton.

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Randy Black: But as we open the show, we want to remind you that.

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Randy Black: .

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Randy Black: If you’re finding value in the podcast and you want to return value back to us, you can do so by heading to shootingitstraight podcast.

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Randy Black: com slash support.

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Randy Black: There you can sign up to support the show.

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Randy Black: And if you do so before the 28th of February, you’ll be locked in to provide that support at a 50% discount.

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Randy Black: for the first year at any of those suggested levels that we have.

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Randy Black: So you can support us for as little as a dollar and twenty five cents a month.

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Randy Black: So please consider heading over to shooting a straight podcast dot com slash support and signing up there today.

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Randy Black: And Elizabeth and I want to give a big shout out to Julie Tawney.

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Randy Black: Julie headed over to the support page on the website, signed up, and is an official supporter of Shooting It Straight.

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Randy Black: You can be like Julie, get your name listed on the website, and help

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Randy Black: continue the the model we have set here of not taking advertising, getting support from you because we’re providing you with value, and then you in turn provide value back to us.

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Randy Black: Thank you, Julie, for being a supporter of Shooting It Straight.

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Randy Black: On today’s episode, we are stepping into a conversation that is both personal and meaningful.

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Randy Black: One that that hits close to home for me, for Elizabeth, and for many of you who’ve reached out over the past several months.

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Randy Black: We’re talking about resilience in the face of losing someone you love.

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Randy Black: And this isn’t just a concept or a theory for us.

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Randy Black: It’s something that we’ve been walking through in real time.

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Randy Black: On September 18th, 2025, we lost my dear friend, my co-host, Elizabeth’s dad, Jim Clayton.

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Randy Black: Jim wasn’t just a voice on this show.

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Randy Black: For me, as an outsider from his family, I still felt like he was family.

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Randy Black: And I know he’s definitely family for Elizabeth.

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Randy Black: He helped me in building this podcast from the ground up and getting started.

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Randy Black: It was his ideas, his goals that shaped so many of the conversations we’ve had on here in those 11 episodes we had together.

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Randy Black: And his presence will always be felt in every episode we have.

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Randy Black: Losing him has left a space that.

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Randy Black: can’t really be filled, but it can be honored.

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Randy Black: And that’s what Elizabeth’s trying to do.

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Randy Black: And then

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Randy Black: Shortly after that, about two months, November 24th, my family, my direct family suffered a loss.

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Randy Black: And my father-in-law passed away that morning.

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Randy Black: Two very strong losses in a very short span of time.

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Randy Black: And that changes you

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Randy Black: Grief has a way of slowing your world down, even as everything around you keeps moving.

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Randy Black: It’s heavy.

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Randy Black: It’s confusing.

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Randy Black: And it forces you to rethink what resilience might actually look like.

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Randy Black: So today Elizabeth and I are going to talk about that

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Randy Black: We’re going to talk about grieving.

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Randy Black: We’re going to talk about holding on to hope.

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Randy Black: About about learning how to keep standing when life feels like it’s knocked you flat.

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Randy Black: And we’re going to talk honestly.

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Randy Black: We’re going to talk about the good moments, the hard moments, the unexpected moments.

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Randy Black: Because resilience isn’t about pretending.

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Randy Black: It’s about showing up even when you’re hurting.

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Randy Black: Liz and I have been walking down this road through grief and all of this.

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Randy Black: We hope that by talking about it, we are going to be able to share what this has looked like for us.

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Randy Black: Our hope is that you as as you listen to this, you won’t feel alone in whatever loss you may be carrying right now.

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Randy Black: And if you’re not in a season of grief yourself, we hope that this helps you understand how to support someone who is.

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Randy Black: So let’s jump into the conversation that Elizabeth and I had back at SportsCity U one more time in the studio that Jim and I set up there.

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Randy Black: Okay, Liz, we’re here for Sports City U and it is a a uh

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Randy Black: surreal in a lot of ways, you know, to be to be back here, to be in this room where I sat with your dad and recorded and it’s it’s kind of fitting with what we’re looking at today and talking about with the idea of

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Randy Black: of grief and you know, using resilience to work your way through it.

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Randy Black: You know, your dad and I spent eight episodes

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Randy Black: talking about resilience, deep diving into it, looking at quotes, looking at scriptures and things to to kind of you know build up the idea of what resilience is and

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Randy Black: How it is that we can use resilience to keep ourselves moving forward.

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Randy Black: Not moving on, but moving forward

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Randy Black: I know, and we we had the chance to to talk and record, you know, you know, uh look behind this the curtain here a little bit.

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Randy Black: It’s been a little while because we recorded several weeks ago and

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Randy Black: In that time, uh I experienced tremendous amount of grief.

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Randy Black: Uh I I mention it very briefly in that recording in that episode that

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Randy Black: You know, my fat my father-in-law was ill and I wasn’t gonna talk about it.

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Randy Black: And on the 24th of November we lost him.

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Randy Black: So as you and I are sitting here recording, it’s been almost a month since that.

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Randy Black: It’s been over a month since that.

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Randy Black: And it it kind of makes it

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Randy Black: Makes it easier for me to be able to talk through this and talk about these ideas because I’m having to deal with it right now.

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Randy Black: Um it it’s not the same as what you’ve had to go through

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Randy Black: in any way.

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Randy Black: Um, I only knew my you know, I’ve only known my father in law for, you know, a short amount of time.

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Randy Black: Didn’t didn’t have a huge amount of time with him.

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Randy Black: But I cherish all the time I did have.

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Randy Black: Um as as frustrated as he made me sometimes.

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Randy Black: Um and I’d go to my wife and go, Oh, he did it.

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Randy Black: And you know, and it was it was compounded further ’cause we live with him.

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Randy Black: We live with him and losing him has been so painful and I think it was amplified more because we were there.

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Randy Black: We were with him.

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Randy Black: You know, we did everything we could to to try to save him.

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Randy Black: And it it was his time.

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Randy Black: Mm-hmm.

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Randy Black: You know, the big man upstairs decided it was time and, you know, we didn’t have any control on it.

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Randy Black: Um

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Randy Black: And I miss him every day, just like I miss your dad every day.

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Randy Black: And I know you are you’re working through it.

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Randy Black: You’re still you’re still missing your dad every single moment of the day.

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Randy Black: You know, we’re sitting here and you ran out to the car.

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Randy Black: You got if you got giant pictures that you had made of your dad that are sitting here with us.

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Randy Black: So he’s he’s here with us, you know, physically in the pictures.

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Randy Black: But I know he’s here with us in spirit too, because this is this is his baby.

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Randy Black: This is his building.

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Randy Black: And this is where he and I got to start this and and start building this and

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Randy Black: You know, our hope is, based on what we talked about in that last episode, is to to keep that going, to keep pushing forward, to try to continue that goal he had

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Randy Black: of using this to help other people.

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Randy Black: And I I’m I’m so happy that we’re we’re doing that.

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Randy Black: You know, our focus is, like I say, we’re talking about resilience.

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Randy Black: after loss, you know, the idea of trying to to get through grief by being resilient, by having that power.

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Randy Black: So we kind of want to

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Randy Black: take the time to talk about, you know, each of our experiences through this.

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Randy Black: So I’m gonna I’m gonna toss it with you first and kinda we’ll work our way through the conversation of what that’s like.

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Randy Black: So for you.

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Randy Black: With the loss of your dad.

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Randy Black: And it’s we’re going on since December, so September, October, November, three months, four months, almost four, you know.

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Randy Black: Yeah.

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Randy Black: What has what is what is the grief that you’ve had like in your daily life been in that time?

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Elizabeth Clayton: Um, it’s gone through different phases, to be honest.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Um, you know, in the beginning I was kind of numb to everything, um, because

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Elizabeth Clayton: You know, wasn’t expecting him to pass away like he did and um like I talked about in the first episode, you know, he had been to visit me

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Elizabeth Clayton: And taking him to the concert in Louisville, and then five days later he was in the hospital with the the septic gallwater attack and a week later

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Elizabeth Clayton: you know, he passed away.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And um, you know, I even had this moment thinking, oh my gosh, if I would have known standing there on that Friday night at that concert with my dad that three weeks later I’d be standing at his visitation.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Right.

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Elizabeth Clayton: you know, talking to people and he was laying in a coffin.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Um, what would I w uh how fast life can go and change in the blink of an eye.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And um, you know, um

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Elizabeth Clayton: it what really helped me in the beginning stages of everything was just the outpouring of all the support and love for my father and for our family and of course um you were a big help in a in you know we

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Elizabeth Clayton: we had just kind of um really started talking at that point.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And um, you know, what you were able to do for

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Elizabeth Clayton: and pull together especially the slideshow for the um visitation and to to pull those clips from the podcast and walk in there and see the f the you know, I’ve looked at all those pictures

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Randy Black: But it was like when you want it was different having his voice there.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And you know what I called it?

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Elizabeth Clayton: I think I told you I said this is a motivational meditation

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Elizabeth Clayton: You know, walking in it was like it was so surreal walking in there and and that’s actually and you said that um

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Elizabeth Clayton: in the first podcast we were talking, you know, that’s what really hit me when I walked in there and heard my dad talking.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And I told you, I said, we gotta do this podcast.

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Randy Black: Mm-hmm.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Like it just hearing him talk

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Elizabeth Clayton: It really just something just told me like it probably was him.

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Elizabeth Clayton: That’s you and me saying, hey, you gotta do this.

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Elizabeth Clayton: But um, you know, um

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Elizabeth Clayton: Just stuff like that after the, you know, after everything was over, you know, going back and watching that that you created and then um

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Elizabeth Clayton: his friend uh Jake Lieberman put together um that video for the service and it was so fitting for for my dad and um you know uh

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Elizabeth Clayton: It like I said, after the fact, uh probably what’s really helped me is I have my dad’s phone.

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Randy Black: Yeah.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And he has fifteen thousand videos plus in here and just digging through all the things that he lo every time I’d see him he had this phone in his hand.

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Elizabeth Clayton: He was always doing something, creating something.

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Elizabeth Clayton: He would do a post every day

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Elizabeth Clayton: And so, you know, um, I just was really trying to dig deep and think of things that

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Elizabeth Clayton: to to build me up in the process and it keep me motivated and and and waking up every day and wanting to get up and and help people and um you know spread positivity and all the things my dad loved to do.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And so um

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Elizabeth Clayton: You know, it’s uh it’s been very interesting to say the least, but um the last few weeks have definitely been more tough than I thought it would be, you know.

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Elizabeth Clayton: A part of me just didn’t even want to come home for Christmas.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Not that I didn’t want to see my family.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Right.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Not that I didn’t want to, you know

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Elizabeth Clayton: go through the Christmas traditions, but it was just a sadness that kinda overtook me the last few weeks.

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Elizabeth Clayton: I didn’t put a Christmas tree up this year.

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Randy Black: No.

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Elizabeth Clayton: I didn’t want to decorate my house.

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Elizabeth Clayton: I didn’t want to

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Elizabeth Clayton: get up and go to work the last few weeks.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Like, you know, it just grief hits you at different points and in different ways.

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Randy Black: But um and and for a lot of people it’s

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Randy Black: Nobody else ever sees it.

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Randy Black: No.

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Randy Black: That’s you know, if unless somebody came to your place Yeah, they don’t know.

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Randy Black: Yeah.

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Randy Black: Um it it’s the idea of

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Randy Black: You know, what what does my my public grief look like versus my private grief?

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Randy Black: You know, I’ve I took a week off from work after my father-in-law passed away.

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Randy Black: My wife

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Randy Black: Still hasn’t come back to work yet.

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Randy Black: She’s going back on Friday, uh the week as we record this.

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Randy Black: Um my my public grief was

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Randy Black: I just wasn’t there.

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Randy Black: And a lot of people didn’t know what had happened.

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Randy Black: Once they did know, they, you know, expressed their condolences and how as people do.

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Randy Black: But I kept on that face that everything’s everything’s gonna be okay.

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Randy Black: I’m gonna make it through this.

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Randy Black: But privately, I’m hurting.

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Randy Black: And I know I know privately that, you know

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Randy Black: My wife is hurting and she’s she wakes up every day and still has to come to grips with the fact that her dad’s not there.

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Randy Black: You know, it’s the same thing you’re having to go through.

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Randy Black: You’re coming to the you know as as he said, sitting here one night, he said, I talk to her every day.

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Randy Black: I talk to my daughter every day.

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Randy Black: And you don’t have that now.

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Randy Black: And that’s that’s gotta be so hard.

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Randy Black: You know, I live with my father in law, but there’s days we didn’t talk to each other, like in passing, just something real quick.

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Randy Black: And that’s like we sat down and had huge conversations about stuff.

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Randy Black: Um but I still miss him tremendously.

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Randy Black: Because he was right there every single day.

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Randy Black: He was that constant in the house.

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Randy Black: We knew when we came home that

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Randy Black: Unless he was not feeling well, he was gonna be in the kitchen, he’s gonna be cooking dinner, getting things ready.

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Randy Black: Yeah.

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Randy Black: That’s that’s what he did.

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Randy Black: And it’s it’s a tough adjustment to not have that now.

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Randy Black: Um and we’re still

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Randy Black: daily making those adjustments.

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Randy Black: Um you know, privately, it’s hard.

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Randy Black: It’s very hard.

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Randy Black: You and I have talked

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Randy Black: several different times and you know, you you’ve told me that you’ve had moments where you just you’re upset, you don’t want to do anything, you know, but you still want to continue on with everything your dad started and and keep the messages going and keep this stuff going.

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Randy Black: And I know that’s not easy.

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Randy Black: It’s it’s not easy at all.

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Randy Black: Um it’s not easy one because no one else can ever be Jim Clayton.

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Randy Black: We we don’t have we don’t have that skill set.

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Randy Black: Um

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Randy Black: I try to be as positive as I can be, but I can never be as positive as he was.

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Randy Black: And I know that.

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Randy Black: And I’ve known that for the almost 30 years I’ve I’ve known him.

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Randy Black: So uh it it’s not it’s not easy, and I can’t imagine.

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Randy Black: You know, I can’t imagine what it is, what it’s like for you.

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Randy Black: I see what it’s like for my wife and what she’s having to experience.

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Randy Black: But I see it.

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Randy Black: I don’t feel it

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Randy Black: And I know that, you know, you’ve you’ve been going through that now for three plus months.

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Randy Black: And it’s it can’t be easy every day.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Yeah, it’s definitely um that bit of change.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Um honestly, um, you know, I’m three hours away from Huntington, so and I’ve been gone for about fifteen years.

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Elizabeth Clayton: So I think just getting back into my routine was helpful.

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Elizabeth Clayton: um, for me because I didn’t see my dad every day, but I did talk to him.

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Elizabeth Clayton: So, you know, getting back in that routine and just going through like my work life and

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Elizabeth Clayton: you know, um, social life and all that.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Um, that definitely helped me when I got back home ’cause I was here for almost a month, you know, after he died, ’cause I just we had a lot to do.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And um

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Elizabeth Clayton: I think going back and forth.

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Randy Black: Your mom needed the help.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Yeah, and I just didn’t want to leave her and uh you know um

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Elizabeth Clayton: It it’s funny, uh, as it we we talked about doing this live recording today.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Um

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Elizabeth Clayton: As a as the the days have gone on, you know, of course, um, like this morning I woke up, I’m like, ugh, you know, it just we actually had a we have a um

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Elizabeth Clayton: We had to call a plumber today at my mom’s house because like last night I went to go I was downstairs watching TV.

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Elizabeth Clayton: This is just a side note of things that can happen randomly.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And um the toilet just started bubbling.

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Elizabeth Clayton: I don’t know.

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Elizabeth Clayton: What is going on?

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Elizabeth Clayton: So then I went to go get a snack.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Um the the pantry is like you open the basement door and there’s the the the shell

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Elizabeth Clayton: and I heard dripping in the basement.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And it’s pretty much empty ’cause it’s flooded so much that there’s nothing down there.

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Elizabeth Clayton: So something’s going on.

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Elizabeth Clayton: So then this morning my mom ran the washing machine and water went all over the basement floor and ya so

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Elizabeth Clayton: Here she was having to deal with we had somebody come over and then she was calling a plumber and I was just kind of annoy not annoyed at her, but just it was just

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Elizabeth Clayton: a lot going on.

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Elizabeth Clayton: You couldn’t use the toilet.

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Randy Black: Yeah.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Yeah, you gotta so anyway, um I got in the car.

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Elizabeth Clayton: I said, I gotta go.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Mom, where’s the key to sports today?

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Elizabeth Clayton: I gotta go.

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Elizabeth Clayton: So I went and got me a smoothie and I I on the way to the smoothie place I said

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Elizabeth Clayton: Okay, Dad, we’re putting on the bounce back mentality part one and I’m gonna listen to it about resilience on the way up to Sports City.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And when that’s when that second podcast started, man, it was like the water works just hit me driving up here and

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Elizabeth Clayton: I tell you what, you know, one of the first things he said on that episode was, you know, well he started talking about his cancer jury

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Elizabeth Clayton: And, you know, he said three years in September it’ll be three years in September that he was diagnosed and that that hit me because, you know, he he basically that’s

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Elizabeth Clayton: when everything happened and um you know but what I realized in that car right up here was what do I have to really complain about besides missing my dad in life I’m healthy

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Elizabeth Clayton: You know, I have a lot of life to live.

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Elizabeth Clayton: I lot you know, I have a lot of people to help.

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Elizabeth Clayton: I have a lot of great people in my life.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And people keep cheering me on.

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Elizabeth Clayton: One of the things that I’ve noticed since we started, you know, uh

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Elizabeth Clayton: We started posting about the podcast and then I started doing my little Monday believe achieve motivate messages as people come up to me and say, Hey, I saw your message.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And they’ll tell me something about what what I said or what, you know, or something with the podcast, like, hey, that’s so cool, you know, and

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Elizabeth Clayton: It it starts w we’ve we started something.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And you know, it’s just like my dad said, if it only helps one person, that’s all of it.

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Elizabeth Clayton: really matters.

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Randy Black: And I’ve We have one person.

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Elizabeth Clayton: That’s it.

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Elizabeth Clayton: But it’s just amazing the conversations that have been started.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Since I’ve been doing these these little things and we’ve started, you know, what we’re doing here and um

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Elizabeth Clayton: I just want to that’s that’s what’s helping me more than anything through the grief process is um you know getting up every day and thinking about the things my dad would want me to focus on.

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Elizabeth Clayton: would want us to focus on in this podcast and that’s helping people and spreading positivity and um you know just just uh

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Elizabeth Clayton: influencing people to do the right things and um have the right mindset and um no matter what happens

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Elizabeth Clayton: In life.

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Elizabeth Clayton: You can always get through it.

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Elizabeth Clayton: Yeah.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And um, you know, I like a he said the one of the very first things he said that second podcast was he said

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Elizabeth Clayton: Tough times don’t last, tough people do.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And then he goes, I have my thirty second pity little pity party.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And he goes, You can’t be pitiful and powerful at the same time

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Elizabeth Clayton: You gotta f just flick it off.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And so I were in the car on the way up here, I I flicked it off.

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Elizabeth Clayton: And I said, Okie dokie, here we go.

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Elizabeth Clayton: So um anyway.

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Randy Black: It’s just, you know

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Randy Black: For everyone, grief manifests itself very differently.

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Randy Black: Uh-huh.

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Randy Black: Um, I spent a week

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Randy Black: Not letting it show.

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Randy Black: You know, it was four, roughly twenty after four in the morning on the twenty-fourth of November that we lost my father-in-law.

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Randy Black: And we had visitation on Sunday, services on Monday.

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Randy Black: So it was a full week.

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Randy Black: And I had, you know

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Randy Black: I didn’t let it show.

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Randy Black: And it was it was my way of trying to to be as strong as I could for my wife.

306
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Randy Black: for her brother, my brother in law, for for the family in general, trying to to be a rock and hold everything together.

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Randy Black: And we came back home after the funeral

308
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Randy Black: And lots of different family members came over, friends.

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Randy Black: Our pastor and his wife were there at the house and we had some food and stuff and everybody just kind of gathered together and

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Randy Black: I’m I’m in the living room in the recliner and it’s the recliner that my father-in-law always sat in.

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Randy Black: That was his chair.

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Randy Black: And I’m in the chair and I’ve wrapped my feet up and

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Randy Black: It hits me.

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Randy Black: It just it just hit me.

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Randy Black: And my wife is in the kitchen and there’s a nice big opening from the living room to the kitchen and she steps back and looks at me.

316
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Randy Black: And she mouths to me, Are you okay?

317
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Randy Black: And I just shook my head no

318
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Randy Black: Because it it finally hit me.

319
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Randy Black: That grief finally overwhelmed me.

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Randy Black: You know, everybody’s there and people are, you know, talking and sharing stories and enjoying food and everything.

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Randy Black: And I’m sitting in this chair and I can’t get up.

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Randy Black: And everybody’s like, are you okay?

323
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Randy Black: Need something to eat?

324
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Randy Black: I’m like, I’m okay.

325
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Randy Black: And I wasn’t.

326
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Randy Black: And she knew I wasn’t.

327
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Randy Black: So after everybody left that evening and things calmed down, um

328
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Randy Black: She she asked me, she goes, Did it finally get you?

329
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Randy Black: Oh yeah, it did.

330
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Randy Black: It finally hit me.

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Randy Black: Um

332
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Randy Black: And you know, I’ve I’ve had loss before.

333
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Randy Black: All of my grandparents are gone.

334
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Randy Black: And

335
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Randy Black: Yes, there was grief and there was pain, but this is the man I lived with every day for

336
00:23:30,220 –> 00:23:33,580
Randy Black: three and a half years from the point in time that we got married.

337
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Randy Black: And I was at his house for the six months before that, almost every day.

338
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Randy Black: You know, once things, you know, Beth and I got together, started seeing each other and then got married.

339
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Randy Black: And

340
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Randy Black: It’s been the toughest I told everybody the toughest thing I ever had to do was to speak at your dad’s funeral.

341
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Randy Black: And I learned that

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Randy Black: This is a whole lot tougher.

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00:23:58,000 –> 00:24:03,600
Randy Black: This has been a much much harder situation that if

344
00:24:04,679 –> 00:24:10,360
Randy Black: My wife and her brother had looked at me and said, Could you speak at dad’s services?

345
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Randy Black: I couldn’t have done it.

346
00:24:12,120 –> 00:24:14,600
Randy Black: I could not have done it.

347
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Randy Black: Um

348
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Elizabeth Clayton: You’d be surprised.

349
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Randy Black: Uh I would have I would have found a way.

350
00:24:22,080 –> 00:24:26,080
Randy Black: But I don’t know that I would have I don’t know that I would have been able to have

351
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Randy Black: to have maintained the composure the way that I was able to with your dad.

352
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Elizabeth Clayton: You’d be surprised um you’d be surprised.

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Randy Black: You know, and I tell every I tell people this.

354
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Randy Black: I don’t know that your dad would say I was his best friend, but for that last six months he was mine because we talked every single day.

355
00:24:46,240 –> 00:24:49,600
Randy Black: And, you know, my father-in-law was not my dad.

356
00:24:49,600 –> 00:24:52,160
Randy Black: My dad’s still here and I’m lucky I still have him.

357
00:24:52,160 –> 00:24:54,080
Randy Black: You know, he’s gone through, you know

358
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Randy Black: issues with an injury and heart attack and and prostate cancer and he’s still here and he’s still fighting and he still goes to work every day, still does what he needs to do.

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Randy Black: Experiencing this grief with my father-in-law, I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like if something happens to my dad or something happens to my mom.

360
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Randy Black: I’m

361
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Randy Black: I don’t know what I’ll do.

362
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Randy Black: I mean, it’s it’s it’s going to be some of the most painful experiences of my life.

363
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Randy Black: And I see it.

364
00:25:27,740 –> 00:25:31,500
Randy Black: You know, I look at my wife and see that she’s gone through this twice now.

365
00:25:31,500 –> 00:25:33,500
Randy Black: She’s lost both her parents.

366
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Randy Black: In the time that we’ve been married, we’ve lost

367
00:25:36,820 –> 00:25:40,420
Randy Black: Her mom’s mom, her dad’s mom, and now her dad.

368
00:25:40,420 –> 00:25:43,060
Randy Black: And I’ve seen what that’s been like.

369
00:25:43,060 –> 00:25:45,940
Randy Black: And it’s tough.

370
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Randy Black: And and the grief associated with it is

371
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Randy Black: It’s some of the most painful things uh uh that I’ve ever experienced.

372
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Randy Black: But I can’t let it stop me.

373
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Randy Black: And you know, that’s that’s kind of the whole point of

374
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Randy Black: Of you know, the idea of resilience.

375
00:26:04,860 –> 00:26:14,060
Randy Black: And I’m so I’m so glad that I got spent that time sitting in this room with your dad talking about resilience and talking about pushing forward.

376
00:26:14,400 –> 00:26:20,560
Randy Black: Um because it helped me to be able to work through this situation that I’m still going through and I’m pushing forward.

377
00:26:22,040 –> 00:26:25,000
Randy Black: I was fortunate, you know, quite a while back.

378
00:26:25,000 –> 00:26:31,160
Randy Black: Uh it’s been a month and a half ago from when we were recording, I believe, uh, that I was on another podcast.

379
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Randy Black: with some gentlemen.

380
00:26:32,240 –> 00:26:34,640
Randy Black: Um the Dudes and Dads podcast.

381
00:26:34,640 –> 00:26:36,640
Randy Black: They’re out in Indiana.

382
00:26:36,640 –> 00:26:40,480
Randy Black: And the whole topic was about resilience.

383
00:26:41,040 –> 00:26:43,600
Randy Black: And I was able to share all this stuff

384
00:26:44,540 –> 00:26:55,500
Randy Black: That not only that I brought to the table, but more so stuff that I learned from your dad bringing it to the table and how we can use that to move forward.

385
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Elizabeth Clayton: Yeah.

386
00:26:55,900 –> 00:26:57,420
Randy Black: Don’t let it stop you

387
00:26:57,640 –> 00:26:58,760
Randy Black: Don’t quit.

388
00:26:58,760 –> 00:27:00,200
Randy Black: Just keep pushing forward.

389
00:27:00,680 –> 00:27:06,840
Randy Black: You know, I told I told my wife, this is gonna be the toughest times of our lives right now.

390
00:27:07,120 –> 00:27:09,680
Randy Black: But we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

391
00:27:09,680 –> 00:27:11,680
Randy Black: We got to keep moving forward.

392
00:27:11,680 –> 00:27:16,160
Randy Black: And that’s what we’ve done every step of the way through this whole process.

393
00:27:15,960 –> 00:27:18,200
Randy Black: And I know it’s a process that you go through.

394
00:27:18,200 –> 00:27:20,520
Randy Black: You keep putting one foot in front of the other.

395
00:27:20,520 –> 00:27:26,040
Randy Black: Um, I know that this has not been the easiest time for your mom.

396
00:27:26,040 –> 00:27:29,400
Randy Black: I know it’s not been necessarily the easiest time for your brother.

397
00:27:29,400 –> 00:27:29,720
Randy Black: Um

398
00:27:30,840 –> 00:27:34,679
Randy Black: But we all have kept moving forward.

399
00:27:34,679 –> 00:27:37,320
Randy Black: We’ve kept trying to keep pushing forward.

400
00:27:37,320 –> 00:27:39,000
Randy Black: Because if we don’t,

401
00:27:39,660 –> 00:27:41,660
Randy Black: What have we learned from it?

402
00:27:41,660 –> 00:27:42,460
Randy Black: Nothing.

403
00:27:42,460 –> 00:27:43,660
Randy Black: We’ve let it stop us.

404
00:27:43,660 –> 00:27:45,500
Randy Black: We’ve let it stop our lives.

405
00:27:45,500 –> 00:27:47,660
Randy Black: And we can’t live that way.

406
00:27:48,059 –> 00:27:49,980
Randy Black: If if if nothing else

407
00:27:50,780 –> 00:28:00,780
Randy Black: Um, in the time that I spent sitting in this room, I learned that I can’t let anything stop me from moving forward

408
00:28:00,860 –> 00:28:02,779
Randy Black: And your dad’s the one that pushed that on me.

409
00:28:02,940 –> 00:28:03,580
Randy Black: We gotta keep going.

410
00:28:03,580 –> 00:28:04,940
Randy Black: We gotta keep moving.

411
00:28:04,940 –> 00:28:07,019
Randy Black: And because that’s what he did.

412
00:28:07,019 –> 00:28:10,139
Randy Black: You know, my father-in-law would he wouldn’t say it

413
00:28:10,160 –> 00:28:11,440
Randy Black: But he was the same way.

414
00:28:11,440 –> 00:28:12,960
Randy Black: He kept pushing forward.

415
00:28:12,960 –> 00:28:15,200
Randy Black: He kept trying to push things forward and things.

416
00:28:15,200 –> 00:28:15,680
Randy Black: Mm-hmm.

417
00:28:15,680 –> 00:28:16,800
Randy Black: You know?

418
00:28:16,800 –> 00:28:18,960
Randy Black: And that’s what I that’s what I keep trying to do.

419
00:28:18,960 –> 00:28:22,000
Randy Black: You know, I’ve looked back at at at things with

420
00:28:23,040 –> 00:28:31,520
Randy Black: Um, the those episodes that I recorded with your dad and the idea of grief and how that, you know, grief is

421
00:28:32,940 –> 00:28:36,940
Randy Black: It can be for some people a stopping point.

422
00:28:36,940 –> 00:28:43,820
Randy Black: But we can’t let it be that way because we have to to to take our mindset in grief and choose

423
00:28:44,440 –> 00:28:45,960
Randy Black: To stay engaged with what we’re doing.

424
00:28:45,960 –> 00:28:47,480
Randy Black: Stay engaged with life.

425
00:28:47,480 –> 00:28:51,960
Randy Black: You know, um just looking at some notes here that I pulled from some stuff.

426
00:28:51,960 –> 00:28:53,639
Randy Black: The decision isn’t

427
00:28:54,280 –> 00:28:56,200
Randy Black: about being fine.

428
00:28:56,200 –> 00:28:57,080
Randy Black: I’m fine.

429
00:28:57,080 –> 00:28:57,800
Randy Black: I’m fine.

430
00:28:57,800 –> 00:28:59,800
Randy Black: Well, you know, it it that’s not what it is.

431
00:28:59,800 –> 00:29:01,800
Randy Black: Or it’s not that I’m moving on.

432
00:29:01,800 –> 00:29:03,640
Randy Black: I’m not gonna keep moving on.

433
00:29:03,640 –> 00:29:06,440
Randy Black: It’s that I’m still here.

434
00:29:06,919 –> 00:29:09,559
Randy Black: I’m still breathing.

435
00:29:09,559 –> 00:29:14,280
Randy Black: I’m still choosing to push forward to tomorrow because it’s the right thing to do.

436
00:29:14,280 –> 00:29:14,760
Randy Black: Yeah.

437
00:29:14,760 –> 00:29:16,200
Randy Black: You know, grief.

438
00:29:17,100 –> 00:29:22,700
Randy Black: Grief can make you hold back.

439
00:29:22,700 –> 00:29:25,100
Randy Black: You know, things like you just talked about a little bit ago.

440
00:29:25,100 –> 00:29:27,740
Randy Black: Do you do you do you want to get up out of bed?

441
00:29:27,740 –> 00:29:29,500
Randy Black: No, sometimes you don’t.

442
00:29:29,440 –> 00:29:34,720
Randy Black: It’s it you don’t you don’t see the the motivation in it because you’re hurting.

443
00:29:34,720 –> 00:29:37,120
Randy Black: You’re in pain, but you have to do it

444
00:29:38,060 –> 00:29:44,140
Randy Black: It’s hard in grief to talk about the person for a lot of people.

445
00:29:44,140 –> 00:29:45,180
Randy Black: You know?

446
00:29:45,180 –> 00:29:45,500
Randy Black: I

447
00:29:47,040 –> 00:29:49,360
Randy Black: I haven’t had that situation.

448
00:29:49,360 –> 00:29:50,880
Randy Black: I talk about my father-in-law.

449
00:29:50,880 –> 00:29:52,320
Randy Black: I talk about Bill a lot.

450
00:29:52,320 –> 00:29:53,680
Randy Black: I miss him.

451
00:29:53,680 –> 00:29:58,080
Randy Black: You know, a couple months before, I lost your dad.

452
00:29:57,960 –> 00:30:00,120
Randy Black: And I talk about your dad all the time with people.

453
00:30:00,120 –> 00:30:05,720
Randy Black: When I talk about what you know what I do outside of work and the hobbies I have and doing the podcasts and stuff

454
00:30:05,840 –> 00:30:11,840
Randy Black: And for me, being able to talk about them, that’s the positive thing that helps me to move forward.

455
00:30:11,840 –> 00:30:14,400
Randy Black: I can’t forget they existed.

456
00:30:14,160 –> 00:30:16,000
Randy Black: That doesn’t serve a purpose.

457
00:30:16,000 –> 00:30:19,040
Randy Black: That diminishes the capacity they had in life.

458
00:30:19,040 –> 00:30:21,280
Randy Black: And we can’t do that.

459
00:30:21,280 –> 00:30:23,040
Randy Black: So it’s the idea that

460
00:30:23,720 –> 00:30:30,280
Randy Black: In what we’re doing, we have to allow ourselves to still feel.

461
00:30:30,520 –> 00:30:35,400
Randy Black: We have to have those feelings, those emotions, those pain that we have to go through.

462
00:30:36,080 –> 00:30:39,600
Randy Black: But we can’t let it shut us down.

463
00:30:39,840 –> 00:30:41,200
Randy Black: We can’t let it stop us.

464
00:30:41,200 –> 00:30:42,160
Randy Black: You know, it’s that

465
00:30:44,540 –> 00:30:58,700
Randy Black: With resilience in our lives and dealing with grief, we are choosing actively that we keep showing up, that we keep moving forward, even when we don’t think we have the strength to do it.

466
00:30:58,660 –> 00:31:05,380
Randy Black: And there are people in this world that struggle every day with that.

467
00:31:05,940 –> 00:31:07,860
Randy Black: And I know that’s the case.

468
00:31:08,120 –> 00:31:20,920
Randy Black: But I look at people that I know were in some of the most stressful, painful moments of their lives

469
00:31:21,900 –> 00:31:24,299
Randy Black: That you’d never know it.

470
00:31:24,299 –> 00:31:25,100
Randy Black: Uh-huh.

471
00:31:25,419 –> 00:31:28,700
Randy Black: Other than his physical appearance

472
00:31:29,620 –> 00:31:31,540
Randy Black: You’d never know your dad was sick.

473
00:31:32,260 –> 00:31:34,260
Randy Black: Because he was the same.

474
00:31:34,260 –> 00:31:36,340
Randy Black: He was always the same.

475
00:31:36,340 –> 00:31:38,420
Randy Black: But knowing him as long as I did,

476
00:31:38,560 –> 00:31:40,960
Randy Black: And seeing his physical appearance, I knew he was sick.

477
00:31:40,960 –> 00:31:41,440
Randy Black: Yeah.

478
00:31:41,440 –> 00:31:46,640
Randy Black: And the first time I saw him once I knew how sick he was, I knew he was sick.

479
00:31:46,640 –> 00:31:48,000
Randy Black: Like it was it was tough.

480
00:31:48,000 –> 00:31:49,200
Randy Black: It was tough to see him.

481
00:31:49,760 –> 00:31:50,080
Randy Black: Um

482
00:31:51,019 –> 00:31:57,100
Randy Black: But that was what opened this door, what allowed me and him to build this and start this project and work on it.

483
00:31:57,419 –> 00:32:01,659
Randy Black: We were able to work through what he was going through to get us here.

484
00:32:02,840 –> 00:32:04,280
Randy Black: I hey we lost him.

485
00:32:04,280 –> 00:32:05,799
Randy Black: I miss him.

486
00:32:05,799 –> 00:32:12,760
Randy Black: But we’re gonna carry it on because we’re not gonna let the grief of missing him and losing him stop us.

487
00:32:13,160 –> 00:32:14,039
Randy Black: We can’t do that.

488
00:32:14,039 –> 00:32:16,280
Elizabeth Clayton: That’s that’s not gonna be good for anybody.

489
00:32:16,280 –> 00:32:17,559
Elizabeth Clayton: No.

490
00:32:16,940 –> 00:32:23,980
Elizabeth Clayton: There’s too much he had too much uh he still has like I said, um he had a lot of life to live.

491
00:32:23,980 –> 00:32:28,460
Elizabeth Clayton: And I know physically he isn’t here anymore, but he he still has messages for people to hear.

492
00:32:28,460 –> 00:32:29,019
Randy Black: Yeah.

493
00:32:29,019 –> 00:32:31,500
Elizabeth Clayton: And however we deliver those messages

494
00:32:31,480 –> 00:32:32,520
Elizabeth Clayton: We’re gonna work on that.

495
00:32:32,520 –> 00:32:32,920
Randy Black: Yeah.

496
00:32:32,920 –> 00:32:34,440
Elizabeth Clayton: And it’s like the things he taught us.

497
00:32:34,600 –> 00:32:37,320
Randy Black: You know the funny like you say that like you know had a lot to live.

498
00:32:37,320 –> 00:32:41,000
Randy Black: My father in law told everyone, I’m gonna live Tom, a hundred and forty seven.

499
00:32:41,480 –> 00:32:42,520
Randy Black: That was what he said.

500
00:32:42,520 –> 00:32:43,080
Randy Black: Yeah.

501
00:32:43,080 –> 00:32:43,400
Randy Black: And

502
00:32:44,220 –> 00:32:45,980
Randy Black: He got halfway there.

503
00:32:45,980 –> 00:32:47,180
Randy Black: Like he really did.

504
00:32:47,180 –> 00:32:48,300
Randy Black: He got halfway there.

505
00:32:48,300 –> 00:32:49,020
Randy Black: Uh-huh.

506
00:32:49,020 –> 00:32:51,820
Randy Black: Um He was unexpected.

507
00:32:51,820 –> 00:32:52,860
Randy Black: We didn’t expect it.

508
00:32:52,860 –> 00:32:54,780
Randy Black: And, you know, it’s it’s tough.

509
00:32:54,780 –> 00:32:55,100
Randy Black: Um

510
00:32:56,220 –> 00:32:58,620
Randy Black: It’s like, you know, like I just talked about pain.

511
00:32:58,620 –> 00:33:00,540
Randy Black: Pain’s a teacher.

512
00:33:00,540 –> 00:33:07,420
Randy Black: Pain will help you to learn how well you can react to something.

513
00:33:07,420 –> 00:33:07,820
Randy Black: Yeah.

514
00:33:07,820 –> 00:33:09,180
Randy Black: How can you handle it?

515
00:33:09,620 –> 00:33:12,100
Randy Black: But it’s it’s not a punishment.

516
00:33:12,100 –> 00:33:19,140
Randy Black: And so many people view it as a punishment that pain is put upon us because we’ve done something wrong.

517
00:33:18,860 –> 00:33:23,500
Randy Black: Pain is put upon us because we have to be tested and we have to be punished as part of that.

518
00:33:23,500 –> 00:33:24,860
Randy Black: No, you don’t.

519
00:33:24,860 –> 00:33:26,700
Randy Black: That’s not how it works.

520
00:33:26,700 –> 00:33:28,380
Randy Black: Loss hurts.

521
00:33:28,320 –> 00:33:30,480
Randy Black: Because this is directly off your word for it.

522
00:33:30,480 –> 00:33:32,720
Randy Black: Loss hurts because love is real.

523
00:33:33,280 –> 00:33:37,360
Randy Black: When you love someone and you lose them, that pain is is there.

524
00:33:37,360 –> 00:33:38,480
Randy Black: Grief is

525
00:33:40,000 –> 00:33:43,919
Randy Black: Not a sign that you are weak.

526
00:33:43,919 –> 00:33:47,519
Randy Black: It is not a sign that you have failed in some way.

527
00:33:47,519 –> 00:33:52,240
Randy Black: It’s evidence that that person and you had a connection.

528
00:33:53,320 –> 00:33:58,200
Randy Black: I had never like, I lost my grandparents.

529
00:33:58,200 –> 00:34:01,160
Randy Black: And I cried.

530
00:34:01,160 –> 00:34:02,680
Randy Black: I can remember it

531
00:34:03,560 –> 00:34:05,880
Randy Black: I lost your dad.

532
00:34:05,880 –> 00:34:08,120
Randy Black: And I cried so hard.

533
00:34:08,120 –> 00:34:09,560
Randy Black: Like it it hit me.

534
00:34:09,560 –> 00:34:11,639
Randy Black: My wife walked in and goes, Are you okay?

535
00:34:11,639 –> 00:34:14,120
Randy Black: And I’m like, no, he’s not here.

536
00:34:14,120 –> 00:34:15,399
Randy Black: She’s like, what?

537
00:34:15,399 –> 00:34:16,600
Randy Black: I said he’s gone.

538
00:34:17,360 –> 00:34:21,679
Randy Black: And it hit so hard.

539
00:34:21,679 –> 00:34:25,840
Randy Black: Um, and it’s because I had spent so much time.

540
00:34:26,120 –> 00:34:28,520
Randy Black: with him and getting close to him again.

541
00:34:28,520 –> 00:34:29,640
Randy Black: Because I mean we work together.

542
00:34:29,640 –> 00:34:31,880
Randy Black: We know each other for forever.

543
00:34:31,880 –> 00:34:39,400
Randy Black: But it’s the time that talking to him every day, exchanging, even if it was just text messages every day, it had nothing to do with this podcast and what we were doing.

544
00:34:39,639 –> 00:34:43,159
Randy Black: We still talk to each other every single day.

545
00:34:43,159 –> 00:34:44,839
Randy Black: And that was gone.

546
00:34:44,839 –> 00:34:46,279
Randy Black: And it was hard.

547
00:34:46,279 –> 00:34:48,440
Randy Black: Um, it was pain.

548
00:34:48,440 –> 00:34:53,159
Randy Black: You know, grief teaches you what matters the most in your life.

549
00:34:53,540 –> 00:34:56,740
Randy Black: Yeah, losing my father-in-law, I’m hurting.

550
00:34:56,740 –> 00:34:58,420
Randy Black: And I know my wife’s hurting.

551
00:34:58,420 –> 00:35:00,340
Randy Black: Losing your dad, you’re hurting.

552
00:35:00,340 –> 00:35:01,700
Randy Black: Your mom’s hurting.

553
00:35:01,700 –> 00:35:04,340
Randy Black: Wes, Kayla, the girls, they’re all hurting.

554
00:35:04,340 –> 00:35:05,140
Randy Black: I’m hurting.

555
00:35:05,620 –> 00:35:08,900
Randy Black: Because these people meant so much to us.

556
00:35:08,900 –> 00:35:13,700
Randy Black: They were a core part of everything we did in this world.

557
00:35:13,700 –> 00:35:14,980
Randy Black: Everything we do.

558
00:35:15,020 –> 00:35:16,540
Randy Black: We love them so deeply.

559
00:35:17,660 –> 00:35:23,740
Randy Black: I shared on the last episode and I told you the last night I recorded with your dad.

560
00:35:23,740 –> 00:35:24,220
Elizabeth Clayton: Uh-huh.

561
00:35:24,220 –> 00:35:26,940
Randy Black: And every night we’d say, Love you, brother.

562
00:35:26,940 –> 00:35:32,220
Randy Black: You know, do that fist bump or that quick cheesy guy hug and he grabbed me that night and hugged me.

563
00:35:32,220 –> 00:35:34,220
Randy Black: And he had not done that before.

564
00:35:34,220 –> 00:35:35,100
Randy Black: You know?

565
00:35:35,100 –> 00:35:35,820
Randy Black: Uh-huh.

566
00:35:35,820 –> 00:35:37,580
Randy Black: That that let me know

567
00:35:38,380 –> 00:35:41,020
Randy Black: Where I stood with Jim Clayton.

568
00:35:41,500 –> 00:35:48,380
Randy Black: I knew where I was stood, but that solidified it for me that I had become a core part

569
00:35:49,020 –> 00:35:51,500
Randy Black: of his life and what he was doing.

570
00:35:51,500 –> 00:35:53,980
Randy Black: And it meant so much to me.

571
00:35:53,980 –> 00:36:00,140
Randy Black: And I regret that I didn’t come to the hospital to see him.

572
00:36:00,760 –> 00:36:05,880
Randy Black: But at the same time, I’m so happy that was the last time I got to see him.

573
00:36:06,520 –> 00:36:08,680
Randy Black: Because it meant so much.

574
00:36:08,680 –> 00:36:09,000
Randy Black: Um

575
00:36:09,840 –> 00:36:18,400
Randy Black: And it’s it’s a memory that, as I said when I when I spoke at at the services, that I’m never gonna forget and I’m never gonna be able to let go of.

576
00:36:18,400 –> 00:36:21,600
Randy Black: That it it meant that much.

577
00:36:21,600 –> 00:36:24,000
Randy Black: And I and I I certainly hope that

578
00:36:24,480 –> 00:36:29,760
Randy Black: Because that was, I don’t want to say it was out of character, but it was a little out of character for him.

579
00:36:29,760 –> 00:36:34,400
Randy Black: He wasn’t he wasn’t the you know the the touchy-feely kind of you know

580
00:36:35,200 –> 00:36:37,600
Randy Black: give you a hug unless he really, really meant it.

581
00:36:37,600 –> 00:36:39,280
Randy Black: That’s that’s who he was.

582
00:36:39,280 –> 00:36:44,480
Randy Black: And I know that that was a powerful moment between he and I.

583
00:36:44,480 –> 00:36:45,440
Randy Black: Oh yeah.

584
00:36:45,440 –> 00:36:45,760
Randy Black: Um

585
00:36:47,680 –> 00:36:52,000
Randy Black: The the idea here isn’t that I’m not saying pain is good.

586
00:36:52,000 –> 00:36:53,760
Randy Black: I’m not saying that at all.

587
00:36:54,880 –> 00:36:59,040
Randy Black: Pain pain has meaning based on

588
00:36:59,920 –> 00:37:02,000
Randy Black: our lives and based on our situations.

589
00:37:02,000 –> 00:37:08,960
Randy Black: And it’s what helps us to understand what’s happening so that we can survive and we can move forward from it.

590
00:37:08,960 –> 00:37:09,280
Randy Black: Um

591
00:37:10,740 –> 00:37:12,900
Randy Black: Grief isn’t something that’s easy to fix.

592
00:37:13,300 –> 00:37:15,540
Randy Black: You know, we we push through every day from it.

593
00:37:15,540 –> 00:37:17,860
Randy Black: It’s it’s something that we have to

594
00:37:18,720 –> 00:37:26,000
Randy Black: We have to listen to it because it’s telling us this is how important this person was.

595
00:37:26,000 –> 00:37:28,880
Randy Black: This is how meaningful this person was in your life

596
00:37:29,280 –> 00:37:32,000
Randy Black: They had a purpose for you.

597
00:37:32,480 –> 00:37:35,040
Randy Black: That you were involved for a reason.

598
00:37:35,040 –> 00:37:39,280
Randy Black: And we have to look at it and and keep pushing from that.

599
00:37:39,720 –> 00:37:42,520
Randy Black: And I feel like I’m talking a whole lot and I’m not letting you.

600
00:37:42,520 –> 00:37:44,039
Elizabeth Clayton: You’re you’re fine.

601
00:37:44,039 –> 00:37:46,920
Elizabeth Clayton: Huh, you’re you’re hitting some great points here.

602
00:37:46,920 –> 00:37:49,480
Elizabeth Clayton: I mean It you know

603
00:37:51,200 –> 00:37:59,760
Randy Black: I I look at I look at things that you know people go through and it with this and you know

604
00:38:01,240 –> 00:38:05,640
Randy Black: It goes back to what we talked about, what your dad and I talked about.

605
00:38:05,640 –> 00:38:10,280
Randy Black: You know, resilience is not a skill.

606
00:38:10,320 –> 00:38:20,320
Randy Black: that we have uh to bounce back as we said it the bounce back mentality to move forward it’s not a it’s not something we can do innately

607
00:38:20,620 –> 00:38:22,860
Randy Black: We have to, we have to learn it.

608
00:38:22,860 –> 00:38:28,300
Randy Black: We have to be exposed to something that creates that for us, that we have to push forward.

609
00:38:28,300 –> 00:38:28,620
Randy Black: And

610
00:38:30,039 –> 00:38:42,039
Randy Black: It’s it’s an experience that once you have it and you see I can do this, I can take what’s happening, I can use it and I can move forward, that it changes your perspective.

611
00:38:42,039 –> 00:38:44,359
Randy Black: It changes the way you look at things.

612
00:38:44,200 –> 00:38:54,600
Randy Black: Um, I was not a big, I never said this to him, to your dad, I was never big on the idea of, you know, you have to keep pushing forward.

613
00:38:55,299 –> 00:39:04,900
Randy Black: Until I sat down with him and we went through this and talked about these things, and I start, it starts opening my eyes to, oh, I need to re- I need to rethink this a little bit.

614
00:39:04,900 –> 00:39:06,660
Randy Black: I need to look at this differently.

615
00:39:06,440 –> 00:39:14,119
Randy Black: I learned more from him in 11 episodes of recording with him than I had learned in 45 years of being on this earth.

616
00:39:14,119 –> 00:39:14,440
Randy Black: Um

617
00:39:15,220 –> 00:39:22,740
Randy Black: because we were able to bring together ideas and things that we knew ultimately would help someone.

618
00:39:22,740 –> 00:39:23,059
Randy Black: Yeah.

619
00:39:23,059 –> 00:39:29,460
Randy Black: Whether it was helping me, which it did, whether it was helping him, which he says there you know, I would bring stuff to the table that would

620
00:39:29,540 –> 00:39:32,580
Randy Black: catch him and he’d be like, oh wow, I didn’t think about it this way.

621
00:39:32,580 –> 00:39:33,700
Randy Black: You know.

622
00:39:33,700 –> 00:39:37,220
Randy Black: But we also had other people who listened and said, Oh wow, that’s really good.

623
00:39:37,220 –> 00:39:38,180
Randy Black: I I like that idea.

624
00:39:38,180 –> 00:39:41,220
Randy Black: Let’s let’s let me look at that and see what I can do with it.

625
00:39:41,220 –> 00:39:41,540
Randy Black: Um

626
00:39:42,860 –> 00:39:51,500
Randy Black: Resilience doesn’t mean that we, you know, especially in grief, that we have to be strong all the time.

627
00:39:52,460 –> 00:39:54,619
Randy Black: You can let it beat you down.

628
00:39:54,859 –> 00:39:56,619
Randy Black: That’s okay.

629
00:39:56,619 –> 00:39:58,859
Randy Black: But you can’t let it keep you down.

630
00:39:58,859 –> 00:40:02,059
Randy Black: You know, it’s not about ever moving on.

631
00:40:02,059 –> 00:40:04,380
Randy Black: And we just talked about this before we started recording.

632
00:40:04,380 –> 00:40:06,619
Randy Black: It’s not about moving on.

633
00:40:06,340 –> 00:40:06,980
Elizabeth Clayton: Yeah.

634
00:40:06,980 –> 00:40:09,060
Randy Black: It’s about moving forward.

635
00:40:09,060 –> 00:40:09,700
Elizabeth Clayton: Yeah.

636
00:40:09,700 –> 00:40:13,700
Randy Black: We can’t erase the grief we feel.

637
00:40:13,700 –> 00:40:17,780
Randy Black: We can’t erase those feelings that we have in loss.

638
00:40:18,539 –> 00:40:19,900
Elizabeth Clayton: That makes us who we are.

639
00:40:19,900 –> 00:40:20,539
Randy Black: Exactly.

640
00:40:20,940 –> 00:40:25,180
Randy Black: It’s part of the human experience, you know, having those feelings.

641
00:40:25,180 –> 00:40:27,420
Randy Black: But we can let them

642
00:40:28,380 –> 00:40:39,020
Randy Black: Help us to remember, to not forget the person, not forget these people that have been in our lives that were so important that allow us that chance to then move forward.

643
00:40:38,940 –> 00:40:41,020
Randy Black: Not move on, move forward.

644
00:40:41,020 –> 00:40:43,180
Randy Black: Because you can we we can never forget.

645
00:40:43,180 –> 00:40:53,660
Randy Black: If you try to forget, you just put yourself into a situation where you have you have wasted all that time because you’re spending it all trying to forget.

646
00:40:53,680 –> 00:40:55,680
Randy Black: Let those memories stay.

647
00:40:55,680 –> 00:40:56,880
Randy Black: It’s gonna hurt.

648
00:40:56,880 –> 00:40:59,040
Randy Black: It’s gonna be painful.

649
00:40:59,040 –> 00:41:01,839
Randy Black: But in the long run.

650
00:41:02,500 –> 00:41:09,940
Randy Black: moving forward with them is a whole lot better than moving on and trying to forget because you’re gonna circle right back around to it in the long run.

651
00:41:09,940 –> 00:41:12,500
Elizabeth Clayton: Um well it’s funny uh

652
00:41:13,420 –> 00:41:15,020
Elizabeth Clayton: I was just reminded of something.

653
00:41:15,020 –> 00:41:17,660
Elizabeth Clayton: One of my my cousins, she’s a therapist.

654
00:41:17,660 –> 00:41:19,420
Elizabeth Clayton: And this was a couple of years ago.

655
00:41:19,420 –> 00:41:21,260
Elizabeth Clayton: I remember she came she lives in Indianapolis.

656
00:41:21,260 –> 00:41:24,620
Elizabeth Clayton: She came down to Woolville to spend the day with me before Christmas.

657
00:41:24,160 –> 00:41:29,840
Elizabeth Clayton: and we just hung out and um and went and got some food at Whole Foods and we set up my kitchen table and we just talked all day.

658
00:41:29,840 –> 00:41:31,680
Elizabeth Clayton: We never even left and really did anything.

659
00:41:31,680 –> 00:41:33,200
Elizabeth Clayton: We just talked for the entire day.

660
00:41:33,200 –> 00:41:37,440
Elizabeth Clayton: And one of the things she shared with me, I don’t remember what I was talking about, but

661
00:41:38,180 –> 00:41:42,180
Elizabeth Clayton: You’re reminding me of of of one of the things she said that I haven’t forgotten.

662
00:41:42,180 –> 00:41:45,780
Elizabeth Clayton: And she goes, it’s okay to feel.

663
00:41:47,720 –> 00:41:56,920
Elizabeth Clayton: Feel tired, feel sad, be upset, feel this, all the net kind of more of the negative emotions that we we we have in our life.

664
00:41:56,920 –> 00:41:57,640
Elizabeth Clayton: She goes,

665
00:41:58,120 –> 00:42:07,880
Elizabeth Clayton: You have to feel, you know, we live in a society, and this is one of the topics my dad talked about, and I know you’re gonna understand when I say this, but like we live in a society of of the quick fix.

666
00:42:07,880 –> 00:42:08,360
Randy Black: Yep

667
00:42:08,620 –> 00:42:12,220
Elizabeth Clayton: And there’s a pill you can take you you can go get an energy drink when you’re tired.

668
00:42:12,220 –> 00:42:14,380
Elizabeth Clayton: You can go take an antidepressant when you’re sad.

669
00:42:14,380 –> 00:42:16,540
Elizabeth Clayton: You can go get this for this and this for that.

670
00:42:16,540 –> 00:42:19,100
Elizabeth Clayton: And she goes, there’s no quick fix

671
00:42:19,040 –> 00:42:22,240
Elizabeth Clayton: to to help you you know move through these emotions.

672
00:42:22,240 –> 00:42:24,720
Elizabeth Clayton: You can’t just put a mask on it.

673
00:42:24,720 –> 00:42:26,000
Elizabeth Clayton: They’re gonna come back.

674
00:42:26,480 –> 00:42:30,480
Elizabeth Clayton: So you have to, you know, let yourself feel these things.

675
00:42:30,540 –> 00:42:40,780
Elizabeth Clayton: you know, to i you know, if you’re ever gonna move forward in life with whatever it is you’re dealing with and you know, anytime I feel tired, I I kinda feel guilty sometimes.

676
00:42:40,780 –> 00:42:42,140
Elizabeth Clayton: Like my dad was that way.

677
00:42:42,140 –> 00:42:43,340
Elizabeth Clayton: He didn’t sit down.

678
00:42:43,340 –> 00:42:45,100
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, when I was growing up

679
00:42:45,240 –> 00:42:53,960
Elizabeth Clayton: He uh on s like for instance, he’d be out mow he, you know, you think he’d be sitting in there just relaxed, you’d be out mowing the grass or running the vacuum cleaner.

680
00:42:53,960 –> 00:42:56,920
Elizabeth Clayton: And I’m like, then he’d be get me to start doing something.

681
00:42:56,559 –> 00:42:58,240
Elizabeth Clayton: I didn’t want to do back in the day.

682
00:42:58,240 –> 00:43:06,400
Elizabeth Clayton: But anyway, it’s um like I said, uh sometimes we just have to pause and work through these things.

683
00:43:06,400 –> 00:43:08,000
Elizabeth Clayton: And it’s not a punishment

684
00:43:08,120 –> 00:43:13,480
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, um, it’s uh like I said, we have to feel these things.

685
00:43:13,480 –> 00:43:13,880
Elizabeth Clayton: Yeah.

686
00:43:13,880 –> 00:43:15,480
Elizabeth Clayton: And it’s a good thing.

687
00:43:16,299 –> 00:43:20,859
Elizabeth Clayton: We need that time to reflect, to move forward.

688
00:43:21,180 –> 00:43:21,900
Randy Black: You know?

689
00:43:21,900 –> 00:43:23,980
Randy Black: It’s it’s not a linear thing.

690
00:43:23,980 –> 00:43:25,980
Randy Black: Grief is not linear in any way.

691
00:43:25,980 –> 00:43:28,220
Randy Black: And it’s gonna always crop back up.

692
00:43:28,220 –> 00:43:29,900
Randy Black: You know, I know that

693
00:43:30,599 –> 00:43:35,320
Randy Black: April fifteenth is gonna be a really hard day in my house.

694
00:43:35,320 –> 00:43:39,320
Randy Black: Not because it’s tax day, because that was my father in law’s birthday.

695
00:43:39,320 –> 00:43:41,079
Randy Black: Um, it’s gonna be tough.

696
00:43:41,079 –> 00:43:42,280
Randy Black: You know, I know that

697
00:43:42,820 –> 00:43:44,820
Randy Black: The twenty yes, it was there.

698
00:43:44,980 –> 00:43:48,740
Elizabeth Clayton: It’s funny, my friend that just called me, her birthday’s April fifteenth, and I couldn’t answer when you said that.

699
00:43:48,740 –> 00:43:49,700
Elizabeth Clayton: I’m like, well that’s funny.

700
00:43:49,700 –> 00:43:50,580
Elizabeth Clayton: She just called me.

701
00:43:50,900 –> 00:43:51,220
Randy Black: The

702
00:43:51,460 –> 00:43:56,260
Randy Black: The the twenty fourth of November, it’s gonna always be hard for us because that’s the day we lost him.

703
00:43:56,260 –> 00:43:58,100
Randy Black: You know, it’s September eighteenth.

704
00:43:58,100 –> 00:43:59,220
Randy Black: It’s gonna be hard.

705
00:43:59,220 –> 00:43:59,780
Randy Black: Huh.

706
00:43:59,780 –> 00:44:01,540
Randy Black: Because that’s the day we lost your dad.

707
00:44:01,540 –> 00:44:04,260
Randy Black: You know, and he was what, a month from his birthday

708
00:44:04,340 –> 00:44:06,660
Randy Black: You know, he was he was almost to seventy.

709
00:44:06,660 –> 00:44:10,260
Elizabeth Clayton: He did refer to him as being seventy already in your piecast, which made me laugh.

710
00:44:10,660 –> 00:44:11,060
Randy Black: Dick.

711
00:44:11,060 –> 00:44:11,700
Randy Black: He did

712
00:44:11,960 –> 00:44:15,480
Randy Black: Because we finished I think after we recorded that the whatever day I was, I was like, You’re not seventy.

713
00:44:15,480 –> 00:44:16,280
Randy Black: He goes, I’m close enough.

714
00:44:16,280 –> 00:44:17,880
Randy Black: I thought I said this.

715
00:44:17,880 –> 00:44:19,800
Randy Black: Uh you know, those days are hard.

716
00:44:19,800 –> 00:44:22,760
Randy Black: You know, we we already have days that are hard

717
00:44:22,640 –> 00:44:30,720
Randy Black: you know, with with my wife, with, you know, the days that was her mom’s birthday, the day her mom passed away, the her mom and dad’s anniversary.

718
00:44:30,720 –> 00:44:34,000
Randy Black: Those have always been very hard days.

719
00:44:33,920 –> 00:44:36,960
Randy Black: for her and it was especially hard for her dad.

720
00:44:36,960 –> 00:44:38,960
Randy Black: And they’re gonna stay that way.

721
00:44:38,960 –> 00:44:40,720
Randy Black: And that’s okay.

722
00:44:40,720 –> 00:44:45,760
Randy Black: You know, they’re gonna come back, you know, those anniversaries, those birthdays.

723
00:44:45,760 –> 00:44:46,080
Randy Black: Um

724
00:44:47,380 –> 00:44:55,859
Randy Black: One of my father-in-law’s favorite songs was by a local guy, Squire Parsons, who passed away earlier this year in 2025.

725
00:44:56,339 –> 00:44:57,700
Randy Black: Beuloland.

726
00:44:57,740 –> 00:45:04,700
Randy Black: That he wrote he wrote it driving to work when he was teaching at Hannon High School and one of Bill’s favorite songs.

727
00:45:04,700 –> 00:45:09,820
Randy Black: And it comes on because we listen to a lot of gospel music and when it comes on

728
00:45:10,340 –> 00:45:15,380
Randy Black: In the last month it’s been hard for her because she knows that was one of her dad’s favorite songs.

729
00:45:15,380 –> 00:45:18,980
Randy Black: You know, the memories will hit us at times.

730
00:45:18,980 –> 00:45:20,820
Randy Black: Uh the little things.

731
00:45:20,820 –> 00:45:21,140
Randy Black: Um

732
00:45:22,400 –> 00:45:25,280
Randy Black: You know, we had a moment where something had happened.

733
00:45:25,280 –> 00:45:31,040
Randy Black: It was something that my father-in-law just took care of, and it got missed.

734
00:45:31,460 –> 00:45:33,700
Randy Black: And I said, it’s okay.

735
00:45:33,700 –> 00:45:36,180
Randy Black: I’ll I’ll go take care of it.

736
00:45:36,180 –> 00:45:38,579
Randy Black: But it hit her so hard.

737
00:45:38,660 –> 00:45:41,460
Randy Black: Um, little things like that are gonna happen.

738
00:45:41,520 –> 00:45:50,320
Randy Black: It if it happens and we we have that the grief pop up, it doesn’t mean we’re failing at moving on in any way, shape, or form.

739
00:45:50,320 –> 00:45:51,599
Randy Black: It means that

740
00:45:52,760 –> 00:45:58,359
Randy Black: Grief is coming up because it’s us revisiting the love we had for that person.

741
00:45:58,839 –> 00:46:00,760
Randy Black: That it’s it’s it’s always gonna be there.

742
00:46:00,760 –> 00:46:04,599
Randy Black: Healing doesn’t mean that we cry less

743
00:46:05,360 –> 00:46:13,280
Randy Black: It means that we’re finding ways to move forward while we still have those tears.

744
00:46:13,280 –> 00:46:14,240
Randy Black: We still have that pain.

745
00:46:14,240 –> 00:46:15,760
Randy Black: We still experience that.

746
00:46:15,760 –> 00:46:16,880
Randy Black: You know, it’s it’s

747
00:46:17,900 –> 00:46:23,500
Randy Black: It’s the idea that grief is not something we have to conquer.

748
00:46:23,500 –> 00:46:25,020
Randy Black: We don’t have to defeat it.

749
00:46:25,340 –> 00:46:26,220
Randy Black: It’s not a fight.

750
00:46:26,220 –> 00:46:27,820
Randy Black: It’s not a it’s not a boxing match.

751
00:46:27,820 –> 00:46:28,780
Randy Black: It’s not a UFC fight.

752
00:46:28,780 –> 00:46:30,140
Randy Black: We don’t have to win.

753
00:46:30,240 –> 00:46:32,000
Randy Black: It’s something we have to carry.

754
00:46:32,720 –> 00:46:35,200
Randy Black: And we have to carry it, you know, with faith.

755
00:46:35,200 –> 00:46:37,120
Randy Black: We have to carry it with honesty.

756
00:46:37,120 –> 00:46:43,040
Randy Black: And we have to carry it together because we have to have that community around us to support us and help us.

757
00:46:43,760 –> 00:46:52,640
Randy Black: We have to to learn how to live forward while we honor those people we’ve lost.

758
00:46:52,640 –> 00:46:56,800
Randy Black: And that’s that’s probably one of the hardest things that

759
00:46:57,860 –> 00:47:01,780
Randy Black: people, you know, people have to deal with and everything.

760
00:47:01,780 –> 00:47:10,900
Randy Black: Um we have, you know, when you look at things and we look at grief and we look at what go through, there are some ways that we can

761
00:47:12,180 –> 00:47:18,500
Randy Black: uh look at the situation and see, you know, through reflection, what’s helped us?

762
00:47:18,500 –> 00:47:20,260
Randy Black: What’s helped us to get there

763
00:47:20,340 –> 00:47:26,500
Randy Black: So I’ve got here on the notes that I I I put together for us, you know, something that says, What has helped each of us?

764
00:47:26,500 –> 00:47:29,860
Randy Black: There’s some ideas that are are there from things that have um

765
00:47:30,820 –> 00:47:33,380
Randy Black: that have that have helped i in ways.

766
00:47:33,380 –> 00:47:36,900
Randy Black: You know the idea that we’ve talked with people that we trust.

767
00:47:36,900 –> 00:47:37,300
Randy Black: Mm-hmm

768
00:47:38,460 –> 00:47:48,380
Randy Black: We’ve talked with people that we trust, people who we we know are gonna listen, who have our back, who love us, who support us, and and that is an experience that

769
00:47:48,840 –> 00:47:52,600
Randy Black: you know, has has guided us in ways and helped us in ways to deal with it.

770
00:47:52,600 –> 00:47:58,600
Randy Black: You know, the idea that this goes back to something even your dad had said in Nebuchadnezzar.

771
00:47:58,600 –> 00:48:00,840
Randy Black: You have to have that quiet time.

772
00:48:01,020 –> 00:48:07,740
Randy Black: You need time to set back, just reflect, just think about things.

773
00:48:07,740 –> 00:48:10,380
Randy Black: Yeah, it hurts, but

774
00:48:11,400 –> 00:48:18,360
Randy Black: Those memories are so so important in the experience because you can’t ever forget.

775
00:48:18,360 –> 00:48:20,600
Randy Black: You know, we have to have that quiet time.

776
00:48:20,600 –> 00:48:20,920
Randy Black: Um

777
00:48:22,200 –> 00:48:26,120
Randy Black: Another way, letting those emotions we have surface naturally.

778
00:48:26,120 –> 00:48:28,520
Randy Black: You know, you just talked about it on the way here.

779
00:48:28,520 –> 00:48:29,320
Randy Black: What did you do?

780
00:48:29,320 –> 00:48:30,120
Elizabeth Clayton: Huh.

781
00:48:29,800 –> 00:48:40,440
Elizabeth Clayton: Well, I knew I I knew what was about to happen when I got in the car and um ’cause my mom was outside and they were dealing with the plumbing situation and I could just I could feel it building up all day

782
00:48:40,080 –> 00:48:45,040
Elizabeth Clayton: you know, thinking about coming in here to Sports City and being with you sitting at this table.

783
00:48:45,040 –> 00:48:51,280
Elizabeth Clayton: Um and like I said, I’ve been here a few times in the last couple of weeks, you know, helping my mom do some things and um

784
00:48:52,660 –> 00:48:58,100
Elizabeth Clayton: It’s just letting knowing that I’m gonna have to let go of all this at some point and what he created.

785
00:48:58,100 –> 00:48:58,420
Elizabeth Clayton: Yeah.

786
00:48:58,420 –> 00:49:00,180
Elizabeth Clayton: I still have it in my heart

787
00:48:59,700 –> 00:49:07,300
Elizabeth Clayton: We still have pictures and all the things to remember it all by, but just the the legacy of what this place means and um

788
00:49:08,120 –> 00:49:17,000
Elizabeth Clayton: you know, uh like I said, uh one of the things that you’re talking about, like having the quiet time, I live by myself still.

789
00:49:17,000 –> 00:49:22,520
Elizabeth Clayton: I have my my little doggies, you know, at my apartment and um within this last month

790
00:49:22,640 –> 00:49:30,640
Elizabeth Clayton: I’ll tell ya, um, uh the night of that concert, the the the last like real night that my dad and I spent together

791
00:49:30,859 –> 00:49:37,420
Elizabeth Clayton: One of the things I remember before the concert started, I had somebody take a picture of us sitting in the seats, you know, and you could see the amphitheater behind us.

792
00:49:37,420 –> 00:49:40,540
Elizabeth Clayton: And then right at the end of the concert, I kind of fought with myself.

793
00:49:40,540 –> 00:49:43,740
Elizabeth Clayton: There was a woman behind me and I said, Sha ask her to take a picture of me and my dad.

794
00:49:43,740 –> 00:49:45,420
Elizabeth Clayton: And so finally I turned around and I said

795
00:49:45,260 –> 00:49:46,780
Elizabeth Clayton: Would you take a picture of us?

796
00:49:46,780 –> 00:49:48,300
Elizabeth Clayton: And she took four photos.

797
00:49:48,300 –> 00:49:52,140
Elizabeth Clayton: And by the first or second one, she goes, Oh, turn your flash on.

798
00:49:52,140 –> 00:49:53,260
Elizabeth Clayton: It’s something was wrong.

799
00:49:53,260 –> 00:49:56,220
Elizabeth Clayton: Well the way she took the pictures, they ended up being good.

800
00:49:55,700 –> 00:49:58,180
Elizabeth Clayton: And they ended up being real and you can see the stage in the background.

801
00:49:58,180 –> 00:50:04,500
Elizabeth Clayton: Well, I had one of those blown up into like an eight by ten and I had it at the you know, visitation, funeral, yada yada.

802
00:50:04,500 –> 00:50:04,740
Elizabeth Clayton: Well

803
00:50:04,800 –> 00:50:08,960
Elizabeth Clayton: What I did with that was I set it in front of on the middle of my dresser.

804
00:50:08,960 –> 00:50:12,880
Elizabeth Clayton: So when I’m laying in bed, you know, I walk in my room, I stare directly at that photo.

805
00:50:12,880 –> 00:50:13,840
Elizabeth Clayton: And so the other

806
00:50:14,320 –> 00:50:24,080
Elizabeth Clayton: come two weeks ago maybe I w uh I was home on a random night and I just walked to my bedroom and I sat on the edge of my bed and I just sat and stared at that photo.

807
00:50:24,260 –> 00:50:27,380
Elizabeth Clayton: I was by myself, and I couldn’t stop staring at it.

808
00:50:27,380 –> 00:50:30,820
Elizabeth Clayton: And it was like it was so quiet, but that photo hit me differently.

809
00:50:30,820 –> 00:50:31,460
Elizabeth Clayton: And I just

810
00:50:33,680 –> 00:50:34,000
Randy Black: Yeah.

811
00:50:34,000 –> 00:50:37,200
Elizabeth Clayton: And it’s like I saw like a different perspective looking at it.

812
00:50:37,200 –> 00:50:39,840
Elizabeth Clayton: Like this was the last time I spent with my dad.

813
00:50:39,840 –> 00:50:40,880
Randy Black: Mm-hmm.

814
00:50:40,620 –> 00:50:45,820
Elizabeth Clayton: And I thought of that before, but it really hit me harder this time.

815
00:50:45,820 –> 00:50:49,020
Elizabeth Clayton: And um I had another moment the other night.

816
00:50:49,020 –> 00:50:53,500
Elizabeth Clayton: Um, of course he this picture to the right of us that sits in my car.

817
00:50:53,740 –> 00:51:00,619
Elizabeth Clayton: And um it’s kind of scared me a few times I’ve walked out and looked at it and I’m like thinking somebody’s in my car, but it’s just his picture.

818
00:51:00,200 –> 00:51:01,880
Elizabeth Clayton: And it makes me laugh at the same time.

819
00:51:01,880 –> 00:51:12,839
Elizabeth Clayton: But anyway, I sit and I’ll say, Siri, play some recent music that I played, and it’ll pull up a lot of the songs that my dad liked

820
00:51:12,760 –> 00:51:19,240
Elizabeth Clayton: Well, it’s funny, my um you know Siri has a tendency to mess up.

821
00:51:19,240 –> 00:51:19,880
Elizabeth Clayton: Sometimes.

822
00:51:19,880 –> 00:51:24,920
Elizabeth Clayton: And it connects to my Bluetooth and my, you know, playing the Amazon music through my through my car.

823
00:51:24,920 –> 00:51:26,440
Elizabeth Clayton: Well, all of a sudden

824
00:51:26,820 –> 00:51:30,740
Elizabeth Clayton: It started playing the song from Three Dog Night, Shambhala.

825
00:51:30,740 –> 00:51:31,220
Elizabeth Clayton: Yeah.

826
00:51:31,220 –> 00:51:34,340
Elizabeth Clayton: And that’s not what it said it was supposed to play in my car.

827
00:51:34,340 –> 00:51:36,660
Elizabeth Clayton: It was playing, it said had another song

828
00:51:36,580 –> 00:51:36,900
Randy Black: Yeah.

829
00:51:36,900 –> 00:51:46,580
Elizabeth Clayton: But that was one of his favorite songs and he told me that night at the concert he loved that song and I’m like Dad Okay, I’ll hear you loud and cleaner.

830
00:51:46,580 –> 00:51:48,100
Elizabeth Clayton: And so anyway, um

831
00:51:48,100 –> 00:51:52,660
Elizabeth Clayton: But anyway, you know, those moments of just sitting there and reflecting and taking the time to just be.

832
00:51:52,660 –> 00:51:53,060
Randy Black: Yeah.

833
00:51:53,060 –> 00:51:54,740
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, ’cause things will hit you differently.

834
00:51:54,740 –> 00:51:55,300
Randy Black: Oh yeah.

835
00:51:55,300 –> 00:52:00,500
Randy Black: And you know, another thing that, you know, for me is I’ve got

836
00:52:01,440 –> 00:52:09,360
Randy Black: among you know my family, among my wife’s family, among even even most of the people I work with

837
00:52:09,620 –> 00:52:14,740
Randy Black: I’ve got that community around me that’s been supportive and it’s stayed connected.

838
00:52:14,980 –> 00:52:16,420
Randy Black: And that’s another key thing we gotta do.

839
00:52:16,420 –> 00:52:19,060
Randy Black: We have to stay connected with those communities.

840
00:52:18,640 –> 00:52:22,480
Randy Black: I know, you know, you you live three plus hours away.

841
00:52:22,480 –> 00:52:24,640
Randy Black: And you’re two hours and forty five minutes.

842
00:52:24,640 –> 00:52:25,760
Randy Black: Okay, two hours and forty-five minutes.

843
00:52:26,400 –> 00:52:31,440
Randy Black: Your your connected community, the people that are there with you and and support you and hold you up

844
00:52:31,720 –> 00:52:33,240
Randy Black: Most of them are there.

845
00:52:33,240 –> 00:52:33,640
Randy Black: Yeah.

846
00:52:33,640 –> 00:52:40,520
Randy Black: And it’s, you know, you’re fortunate that you have that because you’ve had the time to build that up and get that with being there.

847
00:52:40,720 –> 00:52:49,119
Randy Black: Um, I was telling you just a a few minutes a little bit ago before we started about a a lady that I know whose mother just passed away on Christmas Eve.

848
00:52:49,119 –> 00:52:54,160
Randy Black: And they live, you know, in one of the Carolinas, I don’t know which one.

849
00:52:54,160 –> 00:52:54,480
Randy Black: Um

850
00:52:55,220 –> 00:52:58,500
Randy Black: And that, you know, her whole support network was her mother.

851
00:52:58,500 –> 00:52:58,900
Randy Black: Yeah.

852
00:52:58,900 –> 00:53:00,339
Randy Black: And now she’s lost that.

853
00:53:00,339 –> 00:53:09,859
Randy Black: So I’m sure there are people she works with, the people she knows, and they’ve gotten to know down there that’s that’s helped them, uh, you know, and helped in the situation for her to to have that support.

854
00:53:09,340 –> 00:53:13,500
Randy Black: But most of her support network is back here, um, where she’s from.

855
00:53:13,500 –> 00:53:15,180
Randy Black: So it it can’t be easy.

856
00:53:15,180 –> 00:53:17,020
Randy Black: It has to be difficult.

857
00:53:17,020 –> 00:53:17,340
Randy Black: Um

858
00:53:18,299 –> 00:53:29,980
Randy Black: The other thing that that really has to to you have to look at and realize it’s helpful and it will make things a little easier over time is you gotta rebuild your routines.

859
00:53:29,920 –> 00:53:35,520
Randy Black: You can’t let what has happened control everything and stop you in your tracks.

860
00:53:35,520 –> 00:53:39,920
Randy Black: And that has been one of the key things that I’ve seen my wife do.

861
00:53:39,920 –> 00:53:44,480
Randy Black: in this is that she’s started to get back in those routines.

862
00:53:44,480 –> 00:53:50,800
Randy Black: She’s back to getting up at 445 or whatever time she gets up in the morning, ’cause I’m still asleep.

863
00:53:50,640 –> 00:53:52,160
Randy Black: um and starting her day.

864
00:53:52,160 –> 00:53:57,359
Randy Black: She’ll do her whatever she does exercise wise and and and get ready for the day and get things going.

865
00:53:57,359 –> 00:54:01,760
Randy Black: Even though she hasn’t been going to work, she’s still getting herself back into that mode.

866
00:54:03,440 –> 00:54:15,040
Randy Black: You know, I’ve I spent that week off from work, you know, ’cause we actually, you know, everything happened the week of Thanksgiving, so I was already off work and I took the next week off

867
00:54:15,500 –> 00:54:23,980
Randy Black: And that whole week I still kept putting myself back into my routines of getting up, getting ready, getting things going, to make sure that we kept things

868
00:54:24,860 –> 00:54:28,060
Randy Black: going in that way to make sure our routine stayed in place.

869
00:54:28,060 –> 00:54:35,500
Randy Black: And I’m sure you’ve probably done the same thing now that you’re back, we’ve gotten back home and you got to go into work and keeping things going and making sure that

870
00:54:36,299 –> 00:54:40,140
Randy Black: Your daily life isn’t halted because of what happened.

871
00:54:40,619 –> 00:54:41,740
Randy Black: You know, that’s that’s the key.

872
00:54:41,740 –> 00:54:43,020
Randy Black: We can’t let it stop us.

873
00:54:43,020 –> 00:54:44,380
Randy Black: So we just say it, you can’t

874
00:54:44,620 –> 00:54:46,460
Randy Black: Move on, you gotta move forward.

875
00:54:46,460 –> 00:54:53,420
Elizabeth Clayton: Let me tell you, there so I work out at Orange Theory a couple of days a week in Louisville and um when I first started going there

876
00:54:53,559 –> 00:55:02,119
Elizabeth Clayton: They have these these quotes up on the wall and they’re just like sentences that keep going with a period and some of them are like highlighted in orange and the rest of them in gray.

877
00:55:02,119 –> 00:55:03,400
Elizabeth Clayton: Well the very first thing I notice

878
00:55:03,740 –> 00:55:08,860
Elizabeth Clayton: couple years ago when I started working out there, one of the things you are entirely up to you.

879
00:55:08,860 –> 00:55:09,740
Elizabeth Clayton: Period.

880
00:55:10,300 –> 00:55:13,660
Elizabeth Clayton: And I always wanted to say something about that to my dad.

881
00:55:13,480 –> 00:55:14,279
Elizabeth Clayton: And bring that up.

882
00:55:14,279 –> 00:55:21,400
Elizabeth Clayton: But every time I go work out there That sounds like a gym you well I on the treadmill where I normally work out on, it’s right above me.

883
00:55:21,400 –> 00:55:23,559
Elizabeth Clayton: And every time I go there I look at that

884
00:55:23,559 –> 00:55:29,720
Elizabeth Clayton: And then it just keeps me going and, you know, um like get like you said, getting back in that routine.

885
00:55:29,720 –> 00:55:34,599
Elizabeth Clayton: I think I kind of prefaced on that earlier when I got back home, you know, um

886
00:55:35,620 –> 00:55:38,100
Elizabeth Clayton: getting back in my routine was was a big help.

887
00:55:38,100 –> 00:55:38,500
Elizabeth Clayton: Yeah.

888
00:55:38,500 –> 00:55:47,620
Elizabeth Clayton: And and also, you know, um the one of the the last the the very first time I talked to you, we were talk your your the last recording y’all did was about habits

889
00:55:48,160 –> 00:55:52,880
Elizabeth Clayton: And um, you know, having those those daily habits, good habits in life.

890
00:55:53,280 –> 00:55:55,599
Elizabeth Clayton: And um, you know, uh

891
00:55:56,160 –> 00:56:06,640
Elizabeth Clayton: I started doing a program back in like April where I started counting my macros and um, you know, tracking and cooking and make you know, really looking at what I was eating.

892
00:56:06,460 –> 00:56:09,340
Elizabeth Clayton: And when I called that night and my dad goes, What are your habits?

893
00:56:09,340 –> 00:56:11,020
Elizabeth Clayton: I was making this healthy meal for myself.

894
00:56:11,020 –> 00:56:11,500
Elizabeth Clayton: Yeah.

895
00:56:11,500 –> 00:56:15,820
Elizabeth Clayton: And I was reading a very positive, inspiring book, and I got that out and showed him.

896
00:56:15,820 –> 00:56:18,460
Elizabeth Clayton: And um it was just a funny, funny memory in my head.

897
00:56:18,460 –> 00:56:20,300
Elizabeth Clayton: And that’s what I try to think of

898
00:56:20,540 –> 00:56:24,860
Elizabeth Clayton: I try and funny, funny, um I don’t know if you’ve seen these on social media.

899
00:56:24,860 –> 00:56:26,780
Elizabeth Clayton: Have you ever seen a vibration plate?

900
00:56:26,780 –> 00:56:35,180
Elizabeth Clayton: Have you seen them pop up where you stand on it and it’s different levels why uh a couple weeks ago this thing kept popping up on my and I said, that looks really interesting.

901
00:56:35,180 –> 00:56:36,540
Elizabeth Clayton: We don’t order that.

902
00:56:36,540 –> 00:56:41,100
Elizabeth Clayton: And so, um, anyway, uh I brought it home.

903
00:56:41,100 –> 00:56:43,980
Elizabeth Clayton: I d I I I brought it to my mom’s house.

904
00:56:43,859 –> 00:56:45,940
Elizabeth Clayton: ’cause I knew who would get a kick out of that.

905
00:56:45,940 –> 00:56:46,579
Elizabeth Clayton: Who do you think?

906
00:56:46,740 –> 00:56:47,940
Elizabeth Clayton: Very and Haiti.

907
00:56:48,099 –> 00:56:50,180
Elizabeth Clayton: And they’ve been on this thing the whole time.

908
00:56:50,180 –> 00:56:54,420
Elizabeth Clayton: And I said so Kayla was on it and of course I don’t think my Mike got on it.

909
00:56:54,420 –> 00:56:56,579
Elizabeth Clayton: I don’t think my mom or or my brother gone on it.

910
00:56:56,579 –> 00:56:57,220
Elizabeth Clayton: But um

911
00:56:57,100 –> 00:56:59,180
Elizabeth Clayton: I said, Cassidy, you need to get one of these things.

912
00:56:59,180 –> 00:57:01,100
Elizabeth Clayton: And today Veer Veera was sitting on it.

913
00:57:01,100 –> 00:57:03,100
Elizabeth Clayton: She goes, This is making me sleepy.

914
00:57:03,100 –> 00:57:04,300
Elizabeth Clayton: I said, that’s good.

915
00:57:04,300 –> 00:57:04,860
Elizabeth Clayton: That’s it.

916
00:57:04,860 –> 00:57:05,660
Elizabeth Clayton: It calms you down.

917
00:57:05,660 –> 00:57:07,820
Elizabeth Clayton: It kind of just relaxes you.

918
00:57:07,820 –> 00:57:09,660
Elizabeth Clayton: And so anyway, um

919
00:57:10,240 –> 00:57:15,120
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, just finding those things that really uh help you on a day to day basis.

920
00:57:15,120 –> 00:57:17,920
Elizabeth Clayton: Um I’ll tell you a funny story

921
00:57:18,299 –> 00:57:20,940
Elizabeth Clayton: to end on this note on this topic here.

922
00:57:20,940 –> 00:57:25,020
Elizabeth Clayton: When I was little, you know, my dad had to get up at uh what

923
00:57:26,099 –> 00:57:33,540
Elizabeth Clayton: five o’clock in the morning, four forty five, like you’re you know, you’re talking like your wife and ’cause he would go to you know teach school every day.

924
00:57:33,540 –> 00:57:34,180
Randy Black: Right.

925
00:57:34,180 –> 00:57:34,500
Elizabeth Clayton: And

926
00:57:35,140 –> 00:57:36,660
Elizabeth Clayton: I must have woken up.

927
00:57:36,660 –> 00:57:45,940
Elizabeth Clayton: He would get up and he was in this we had this one of those block TVs that looked like furniture downstairs back in the early nineties with a VCR on top.

928
00:57:45,940 –> 00:57:49,220
Elizabeth Clayton: And he w I walked down to get a glass of water at like

929
00:57:49,440 –> 00:57:56,560
Elizabeth Clayton: five o’clock in the morning before I got up for school and um he was down there in the floor doing an ab workout.

930
00:57:56,560 –> 00:57:57,839
Elizabeth Clayton: And I’ll never f

931
00:57:57,780 –> 00:57:59,300
Elizabeth Clayton: I I’m I’m what forty years old?

932
00:57:59,300 –> 00:58:01,460
Elizabeth Clayton: I was what maybe seven, eight years old at the time.

933
00:58:01,460 –> 00:58:02,820
Elizabeth Clayton: I’ve never forgotten that moment.

934
00:58:02,820 –> 00:58:07,220
Elizabeth Clayton: It like something stuck with me, seeing my dad down there busting his hump.

935
00:58:07,220 –> 00:58:12,420
Elizabeth Clayton: This is what he did before he he got he took a shower, got ready for his work day.

936
00:58:11,800 –> 00:58:15,240
Elizabeth Clayton: And then of course he’d go teach Sports City in the evening on top of it.

937
00:58:15,240 –> 00:58:15,560
Randy Black: Yeah.

938
00:58:15,560 –> 00:58:16,840
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, eighteen hour day.

939
00:58:17,160 –> 00:58:18,200
Randy Black: He had his routines.

940
00:58:18,200 –> 00:58:19,080
Elizabeth Clayton: He had his routines.

941
00:58:19,080 –> 00:58:23,400
Elizabeth Clayton: But there’s something, whenever I think I can’t do something, I am not a morning person.

942
00:58:23,400 –> 00:58:24,840
Elizabeth Clayton: I’ve never been and I never will be.

943
00:58:24,840 –> 00:58:26,760
Elizabeth Clayton: I’ve got decker.

944
00:58:25,900 –> 00:58:29,579
Elizabeth Clayton: I will tell you you, that’s something, you know, we could we you and I need to work on that.

945
00:58:29,819 –> 00:58:31,900
Elizabeth Clayton: That’s one of our goals right now, okay?

946
00:58:31,900 –> 00:58:36,859
Elizabeth Clayton: Um, but that’s something when I think of when I think, I don’t want to do this in the morning.

947
00:58:36,359 –> 00:58:37,240
Elizabeth Clayton: Or I don’t whatever.

948
00:58:37,240 –> 00:58:46,839
Elizabeth Clayton: I f some that I’m always reminded of my dad in there at five o’clock in the morning doing that ab workout on the VCR, you know, before he started his day.

949
00:58:47,339 –> 00:58:54,700
Elizabeth Clayton: And you know, um, it’s uh like I said, having that routine

950
00:58:55,040 –> 00:58:57,920
Randy Black: You know, I mean it it made a clear impact upon you.

951
00:58:57,920 –> 00:58:58,480
Randy Black: Yeah.

952
00:58:58,480 –> 00:59:01,840
Randy Black: That you saw him, you know, this is this is how he has to get this done.

953
00:59:01,840 –> 00:59:02,320
Randy Black: Mm-hmm.

954
00:59:02,320 –> 00:59:03,760
Randy Black: And it’s it’s it’s had that.

955
00:59:03,760 –> 00:59:04,480
Randy Black: Yeah.

956
00:59:04,480 –> 00:59:05,520
Randy Black: Um, so

957
00:59:06,760 –> 00:59:15,960
Randy Black: When we look at this and we talk about what’s helped, we also have to look at the flip side of that, what what really hasn’t helped, what doesn’t help.

958
00:59:15,920 –> 00:59:23,440
Randy Black: And a couple things that I listed here, like the first one really sticks out at me because you hear it from everybody.

959
00:59:23,440 –> 00:59:24,880
Randy Black: And they don’t mean it.

960
00:59:24,880 –> 00:59:26,400
Randy Black: They don’t mean it to come across this way.

961
00:59:26,400 –> 00:59:26,800
Randy Black: But it’s this

962
00:59:27,000 –> 00:59:30,680
Randy Black: Those well-meaning cliches like, I’m so sorry for your loss.

963
00:59:31,480 –> 00:59:32,840
Randy Black: Yeah, I understand it.

964
00:59:32,840 –> 00:59:33,640
Randy Black: That’s why you’re here.

965
00:59:33,640 –> 00:59:35,160
Randy Black: You’re here to express that sympathy.

966
00:59:35,160 –> 00:59:35,560
Randy Black: Yeah.

967
00:59:35,560 –> 00:59:37,080
Randy Black: But you hear it said over and over.

968
00:59:37,080 –> 00:59:38,280
Randy Black: And at some point.

969
00:59:39,180 –> 00:59:43,260
Randy Black: You get tired of hearing it because it doesn’t really help.

970
00:59:43,260 –> 00:59:51,420
Randy Black: What you know what I found is the the the more helpful thing to hear is those stories about that person you’ve lost.

971
00:59:53,140 –> 00:59:56,020
Randy Black: I at at the visitation for your dad.

972
00:59:56,020 –> 00:59:58,740
Randy Black: I uh it’s really funny.

973
00:59:58,740 –> 01:00:01,940
Randy Black: I uh I was standing there and I saw

974
01:00:02,700 –> 01:00:07,580
Randy Black: Um West Virginia wrestling legend Bill Archer come in with his wife, Diane.

975
01:00:07,580 –> 01:00:08,140
Randy Black: Yeah.

976
01:00:08,140 –> 01:00:09,420
Randy Black: And I love Bill.

977
01:00:09,420 –> 01:00:10,220
Randy Black: I love Diane.

978
01:00:10,220 –> 01:00:11,580
Randy Black: They’re customers of my parents.

979
01:00:11,980 –> 01:00:14,860
Randy Black: I worked with Robbie at Huntington High, their son, Rob, great.

980
01:00:14,860 –> 01:00:16,540
Randy Black: I can still consider Rob to be

981
01:00:16,340 –> 01:00:24,340
Randy Black: a great friend and I knew that Diane wanted to make sure she got through the line, but Bill wasn’t gonna be able to do it.

982
01:00:24,520 –> 01:00:28,760
Randy Black: So I got put on what I call Bill Archer duty.

983
01:00:29,000 –> 01:00:32,200
Randy Black: And I took Bill and we went and sat down and we showed the side.

984
01:00:32,200 –> 01:00:37,560
Randy Black: And the goal was when Diane got up front, she’d signal and I’d bring Bill up to her.

985
01:00:37,560 –> 01:00:37,880
Randy Black: And

986
01:00:38,620 –> 01:00:50,620
Randy Black: As I sat there with Bill, I heard so many stories of your dad and of when they work together and your dad as a teacher and as a coach and all these things.

987
01:00:50,780 –> 01:01:00,140
Randy Black: that, you know, hearing about him from someone else’s perspective, and it was a perspective with respect and with love for what he did and the things he did, you know

988
01:01:00,880 –> 01:01:02,400
Randy Black: That meant a lot.

989
01:01:02,400 –> 01:01:06,720
Randy Black: And it was better than hearing the, oh, I’m so sorry that you and you you lost your friend.

990
01:01:07,440 –> 01:01:08,240
Randy Black: I get it.

991
01:01:08,240 –> 01:01:09,279
Randy Black: We understand that you are.

992
01:01:09,279 –> 01:01:10,079
Randy Black: It’s why you’re here.

993
01:01:10,079 –> 01:01:11,359
Randy Black: You wouldn’t be here otherwise.

994
01:01:11,620 –> 01:01:16,820
Randy Black: Um, but that, you know, those well-meaning cliches can kinda they can wear on you.

995
01:01:16,820 –> 01:01:23,940
Randy Black: I can’t tell you how many people, well, I’m in the receiving line with my wife and my brother-in-law and and their aunt.

996
01:01:23,600 –> 01:01:24,160
Randy Black: And everything.

997
01:01:24,240 –> 01:01:25,600
Randy Black: Rather, oh, we’re so sorry.

998
01:01:25,600 –> 01:01:27,920
Randy Black: We’re so We get it.

999
01:01:28,320 –> 01:01:29,520
Randy Black: We we understand.

1000
01:01:29,520 –> 01:01:30,960
Randy Black: You wouldn’t be here.

1001
01:01:30,960 –> 01:01:32,720
Randy Black: Tell us something that is

1002
01:01:32,840 –> 01:01:33,880
Randy Black: is meaningful.

1003
01:01:33,880 –> 01:01:35,880
Randy Black: How did this person impact your life?

1004
01:01:35,880 –> 01:01:37,320
Randy Black: What did they have to do?

1005
01:01:37,320 –> 01:01:40,200
Randy Black: You know, it’s like we when we published

1006
01:01:41,180 –> 01:01:42,859
Randy Black: About your dad’s passing.

1007
01:01:42,859 –> 01:01:47,260
Randy Black: And we and even even in the obituary, we had the phone number for people to call.

1008
01:01:47,260 –> 01:01:51,980
Randy Black: And I took those and made a podcast episode out of them to hear those story.

1009
01:01:52,560 –> 01:01:59,680
Randy Black: Of, you know, my favorite one is about the twins getting in a fight and your dad walking over to them and picking up, pulling them up and just talking to him.

1010
01:01:59,680 –> 01:02:03,680
Randy Black: And their mother has no idea to this day what he said to them.

1011
01:02:03,260 –> 01:02:04,860
Randy Black: But it never happened again.

1012
01:02:05,260 –> 01:02:11,180
Randy Black: Those kind of stories are meaningful and powerful and help you to remember what this person was like

1013
01:02:11,160 –> 01:02:15,240
Randy Black: I’ve heard stories about my father-in-law lately that I’d never heard before.

1014
01:02:15,240 –> 01:02:18,600
Randy Black: Stuff that I’m like, wow, that’s awesome.

1015
01:02:18,600 –> 01:02:22,120
Randy Black: You know, that’s the kind of stuff that’s better for us to hear.

1016
01:02:22,120 –> 01:02:24,600
Randy Black: You know, not, you know, and I get it.

1017
01:02:24,900 –> 01:02:30,100
Randy Black: Some people they say what they think is expected, what they want you to hear.

1018
01:02:30,100 –> 01:02:32,740
Randy Black: And that, you know, that in essence is what a cliche is.

1019
01:02:32,740 –> 01:02:34,180
Randy Black: It’s what you expect.

1020
01:02:34,180 –> 01:02:37,460
Randy Black: Um, but they’re not the most helpful things.

1021
01:02:37,460 –> 01:02:37,780
Randy Black: Um

1022
01:02:38,540 –> 01:02:47,180
Randy Black: Yeah, your your dad’s viewing was I got there at 3 30 that day and I left at just after eleven.

1023
01:02:47,240 –> 01:02:51,720
Randy Black: And that was that was not long after the line had finally finished.

1024
01:02:51,720 –> 01:02:53,400
Randy Black: It was it was a long day.

1025
01:02:53,400 –> 01:02:58,600
Randy Black: So I’m sure that you and Wes and your mom heard those cliches so many times.

1026
01:02:58,600 –> 01:03:01,480
Elizabeth Clayton: You know what, to be honest, as you’re saying this, um

1027
01:03:02,339 –> 01:03:08,980
Elizabeth Clayton: Pretty much everybody that came through that line had something funny or positive to say.

1028
01:03:09,859 –> 01:03:15,859
Elizabeth Clayton: And there really wasn’t maybe like a close friend of mine or something like that

1029
01:03:16,839 –> 01:03:19,320
Randy Black: Somebody who didn’t have the c the say that connection.

1030
01:03:19,320 –> 01:03:23,880
Elizabeth Clayton: They well Em I think pretty much ev with the way my dad was

1031
01:03:24,320 –> 01:03:27,440
Elizabeth Clayton: and how he lived his life, everybody had a connection with him.

1032
01:03:27,440 –> 01:03:27,920
Elizabeth Clayton: That’s good.

1033
01:03:27,920 –> 01:03:32,880
Elizabeth Clayton: In some way, shape or form, and I ha you know, I’m not wha what’s the word I’m well I’m looking for?

1034
01:03:32,880 –> 01:03:35,840
Elizabeth Clayton: Uh uh sound kind of egotistic, what do you call it?

1035
01:03:36,080 –> 01:03:38,400
Elizabeth Clayton: Like that’s not I know, but he really

1036
01:03:38,920 –> 01:03:44,280
Elizabeth Clayton: Just the way that he was as a human being, he had an impact on anybody he talked to.

1037
01:03:44,280 –> 01:03:45,320
Elizabeth Clayton: He had some kind of an impact.

1038
01:03:45,320 –> 01:03:48,600
Randy Black: And they didn’t forget No, and and it’s because that’s what he tried to do

1039
01:03:49,140 –> 01:03:51,460
Elizabeth Clayton: Just who he was as a human being.

1040
01:03:51,460 –> 01:03:56,340
Elizabeth Clayton: And um, you know, one of the things I remember from standing in that line

1041
01:03:56,620 –> 01:04:05,580
Elizabeth Clayton: was um one of the things I also realized after the fact, um, never really asked my dad a lot about his college days.

1042
01:04:05,440 –> 01:04:09,599
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, he went to um Virginia Tech for what, like a year or year?

1043
01:04:09,599 –> 01:04:11,760
Elizabeth Clayton: And then he transferred to West Virginia Tech.

1044
01:04:11,760 –> 01:04:12,560
Elizabeth Clayton: So um

1045
01:04:13,960 –> 01:04:17,319
Elizabeth Clayton: Two of so he was in a SIGEP fraternity.

1046
01:04:17,319 –> 01:04:24,760
Elizabeth Clayton: And um I guess the each fraternity had like the the women the they had like a group of women that they kind of

1047
01:04:24,960 –> 01:04:32,320
Elizabeth Clayton: I d I don’t really I wasn’t in a a sorority i in college but apparently at West Virginia Tech they ha they were called the

1048
01:04:32,640 –> 01:04:36,960
Elizabeth Clayton: Golden hearts, that’s who the the SIG Up fraternity, they I think I’m saying that right.

1049
01:04:36,960 –> 01:04:39,920
Elizabeth Clayton: They the women in that group, they they kind of well

1050
01:04:40,260 –> 01:04:46,180
Elizabeth Clayton: Two of the sorority the two of the women that were uh uh went to school with my dad came through their line I’d never met him before.

1051
01:04:46,180 –> 01:04:50,420
Elizabeth Clayton: And then they started telling me, you know, the the the fraternity members looked out

1052
01:04:50,520 –> 01:05:00,520
Elizabeth Clayton: for the the sorority girls and made sure they were safe on campus and got around and they my dad taught some class or something she was telling me about one of them was telling me about

1053
01:05:00,740 –> 01:05:10,420
Elizabeth Clayton: like how to be safe on campus and this is what you shouldn’t do and just how n how helpful and how just just just the type of person my dad was back then before I was ever even thought of.

1054
01:05:10,420 –> 01:05:11,300
Elizabeth Clayton: And um

1055
01:05:12,020 –> 01:05:21,460
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, uh I went and got dug out his three-year book a few weeks ago and I screw I took pictures of I found it, every picture in all three yearbooks, and I thought

1056
01:05:22,020 –> 01:05:23,460
Elizabeth Clayton: That was my dad.

1057
01:05:23,859 –> 01:05:25,859
Elizabeth Clayton: I mean, it really cracks me up.

1058
01:05:25,859 –> 01:05:33,060
Elizabeth Clayton: Um it literally the photos, I think I even sent one to you too because there was a photo of him at a women’s basketball game.

1059
01:05:33,280 –> 01:05:35,359
Elizabeth Clayton: the West Virginia Tech women’s basketball team.

1060
01:05:35,359 –> 01:05:38,400
Elizabeth Clayton: And he was sitting, I guess the men’s basketball team would go and watch.

1061
01:05:38,400 –> 01:05:40,079
Elizabeth Clayton: They would have to go and support the team.

1062
01:05:40,079 –> 01:05:44,480
Elizabeth Clayton: But the way he was sitting in the stands, looking they the the group was at like a timeout

1063
01:05:44,640 –> 01:05:54,640
Elizabeth Clayton: uh during the game and he was sitting up there like looking like he was actively watching what they were doing and and he had a c his facial expression, he had that care.

1064
01:05:54,640 –> 01:05:55,119
Randy Black: Yeah.

1065
01:05:55,119 –> 01:05:56,480
Elizabeth Clayton: Like like you know

1066
01:05:57,040 –> 01:05:59,440
Randy Black: He was he was actively trying to be involved.

1067
01:05:59,440 –> 01:06:01,120
Elizabeth Clayton: Involved who and helped them.

1068
01:06:01,120 –> 01:06:03,440
Elizabeth Clayton: And this was way before he even got into coaching.

1069
01:06:03,440 –> 01:06:03,760
Randy Black: Yeah.

1070
01:06:03,760 –> 01:06:07,280
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, w well not far off, but you know it just

1071
01:06:07,700 –> 01:06:18,900
Elizabeth Clayton: just seeing him in, you know, in in that capacity really um and hearing from his the sorority, you know, the girls in the sorority, just how who my dad was back then.

1072
01:06:18,900 –> 01:06:19,380
Randy Black: Yeah.

1073
01:06:19,380 –> 01:06:20,180
Elizabeth Clayton: It uh

1074
01:06:20,740 –> 01:06:21,620
Randy Black: It was just really neat.

1075
01:06:21,860 –> 01:06:24,740
Randy Black: And it it’s it’s better than the I’m so sorry for your loss.

1076
01:06:24,980 –> 01:06:25,460
Randy Black: That’s it.

1077
01:06:25,460 –> 01:06:27,700
Randy Black: It’s so much better to hear those things.

1078
01:06:27,700 –> 01:06:32,500
Randy Black: You know it you know, as w as we move on with it, you know, the whole idea is that, you know

1079
01:06:33,000 –> 01:06:40,760
Randy Black: As we’re working through all this, you know, other things that are helpful, we can’t feel like

1080
01:06:41,420 –> 01:06:43,500
Randy Black: There is a schedule to what we are doing.

1081
01:06:44,220 –> 01:06:45,580
Randy Black: We just talked about it.

1082
01:06:45,580 –> 01:06:47,100
Randy Black: Grief is not linear.

1083
01:06:47,100 –> 01:06:47,580
Randy Black: Yeah.

1084
01:06:47,580 –> 01:06:54,780
Randy Black: As we work our way through this, there is no there there is no reason why we work through it on our own.

1085
01:06:54,720 –> 01:06:58,000
Randy Black: that we we we have to follow this specific way.

1086
01:06:58,000 –> 01:07:02,480
Randy Black: Um there’s there’s a pressure that gets put on people

1087
01:07:02,820 –> 01:07:10,020
Randy Black: to bounce back, to use that word, use that phrase to bounce back, a pressure to to move forward and and to keep going.

1088
01:07:10,020 –> 01:07:10,340
Randy Black: And

1089
01:07:10,760 –> 01:07:11,960
Randy Black: That’s not helpful.

1090
01:07:11,960 –> 01:07:19,560
Randy Black: You know, all the you know, I I’ve heard people say in the last you know month especially, you know, oh but we we can we can just push right on through.

1091
01:07:19,560 –> 01:07:21,000
Randy Black: We’ll we’ll get through everything.

1092
01:07:21,000 –> 01:07:23,160
Randy Black: And that’s not necessarily true.

1093
01:07:23,160 –> 01:07:25,560
Randy Black: It’s not necessarily the case.

1094
01:07:25,299 –> 01:07:26,660
Randy Black: It’s not that easy.

1095
01:07:26,660 –> 01:07:30,500
Randy Black: You know, we can’t just keep pushing forward.

1096
01:07:30,500 –> 01:07:39,220
Randy Black: Um another thing that’s not helpful i in these whole situations is you’ve got all these people who are immediately there for support.

1097
01:07:39,760 –> 01:07:40,640
Randy Black: That’s a big one.

1098
01:07:40,640 –> 01:07:41,680
Randy Black: And then they disappear.

1099
01:07:41,680 –> 01:07:42,480
Randy Black: It’s a big one.

1100
01:07:42,480 –> 01:07:51,760
Randy Black: And you don’t you don’t have like that first that that window of time up until the funeral, you’ve got all these people who are there and tried to help and try to do things.

1101
01:07:52,760 –> 01:07:58,599
Randy Black: And then they just I don’t say vanish, but in a lot of time in a lot of ways they do.

1102
01:07:58,599 –> 01:08:00,839
Randy Black: Um and I don’t like I could

1103
01:08:01,359 –> 01:08:02,960
Randy Black: I can spend time naming names.

1104
01:08:02,960 –> 01:08:03,839
Randy Black: I’m not going to.

1105
01:08:04,160 –> 01:08:04,960
Randy Black: But I’ve seen it.

1106
01:08:04,960 –> 01:08:05,760
Randy Black: I’ve seen it personally.

1107
01:08:05,920 –> 01:08:06,560
Randy Black: There are things happen.

1108
01:08:06,640 –> 01:08:07,359
Randy Black: I’m sure you’ve seen it.

1109
01:08:07,359 –> 01:08:07,680
Randy Black: Oh, yeah.

1110
01:08:07,680 –> 01:08:09,040
Randy Black: Everything with your dad.

1111
01:08:09,040 –> 01:08:13,200
Randy Black: That, you know, everybody’s there when they think you need them the most.

1112
01:08:13,660 –> 01:08:17,820
Randy Black: But when you really need people the most is when everybody disappears.

1113
01:08:17,820 –> 01:08:18,620
Randy Black: That’s it.

1114
01:08:18,620 –> 01:08:24,060
Randy Black: We the grief, yes, we’re in grief and we’re we’re struggling and we’re trying to

1115
01:08:24,420 –> 01:08:32,420
Randy Black: to handle situations and make our way through and miss this person that we love so much when once everybody else is gone

1116
01:08:33,119 –> 01:08:34,799
Randy Black: We’re still doing that.

1117
01:08:34,799 –> 01:08:37,040
Randy Black: We’re still working through that.

1118
01:08:37,040 –> 01:08:42,079
Randy Black: And we need them just as much then as we did a week ago, as a month ago.

1119
01:08:42,079 –> 01:08:45,359
Randy Black: Um, my wife and I are fortunate that we have

1120
01:08:46,160 –> 01:08:50,480
Randy Black: Um, we have a couple who are we consider them close friends.

1121
01:08:50,720 –> 01:08:55,040
Randy Black: They go to our church and you know she and she and her friend they’ve been friends

1122
01:08:55,619 –> 01:08:57,299
Randy Black: almost as long as I’ve known my wife.

1123
01:08:57,299 –> 01:08:59,699
Randy Black: Like I’ve known my wife for twenty plus years.

1124
01:08:59,699 –> 01:08:59,940
Randy Black: Yeah.

1125
01:08:59,940 –> 01:09:08,420
Randy Black: It wasn’t until the last four years that we’ve we’ve gotten together and and and had this chance to have this relationship and and and live our lives together.

1126
01:09:08,659 –> 01:09:08,980
Randy Black: But

1127
01:09:09,340 –> 01:09:13,820
Randy Black: Her friend has been by her side every step of the way through everything that’s happened.

1128
01:09:13,820 –> 01:09:16,859
Randy Black: And we know that she’s always there

1129
01:09:16,960 –> 01:09:20,799
Randy Black: And that’s such a such a positive influence.

1130
01:09:20,799 –> 01:09:23,199
Randy Black: If we need something, we make a phone call.

1131
01:09:23,199 –> 01:09:24,559
Randy Black: We send a text message.

1132
01:09:24,559 –> 01:09:26,880
Randy Black: And the same thing with her husband.

1133
01:09:26,880 –> 01:09:29,359
Randy Black: We can let him know and he’ll be there.

1134
01:09:29,000 –> 01:09:30,600
Randy Black: Her mother is even close.

1135
01:09:30,600 –> 01:09:34,680
Randy Black: Her mother was a very good friend to to my father-in-law.

1136
01:09:34,680 –> 01:09:38,920
Randy Black: And if we if we need something, we know we can reach out to them.

1137
01:09:38,920 –> 01:09:39,960
Randy Black: They’re there all the time.

1138
01:09:39,960 –> 01:09:41,640
Randy Black: And she’s every day.

1139
01:09:42,380 –> 01:09:46,460
Randy Black: She’s checking in on my wife and making sure she’s okay and seeing that things are good.

1140
01:09:46,460 –> 01:09:50,779
Randy Black: So I’ve seen the flip side of that where they didn’t disappear.

1141
01:09:50,779 –> 01:09:51,580
Randy Black: They’re still there.

1142
01:09:51,580 –> 01:09:53,179
Randy Black: They’re always going to be there.

1143
01:09:53,179 –> 01:09:54,140
Randy Black: But other people

1144
01:09:54,840 –> 01:09:57,480
Randy Black: And I hate to say it, sometimes it’s even people who are family.

1145
01:09:57,480 –> 01:09:58,040
Randy Black: Yeah.

1146
01:09:58,040 –> 01:09:59,240
Randy Black: Disappear.

1147
01:09:59,240 –> 01:10:02,920
Randy Black: Um, I can you know, I can say from my own experiences I’ve seen.

1148
01:10:03,080 –> 01:10:05,160
Randy Black: That’s also how people cope too.

1149
01:10:05,240 –> 01:10:09,400
Elizabeth Clayton: In a sense it’s not necessarily that they they just cope with just

1150
01:10:09,860 –> 01:10:11,860
Randy Black: There are there are a lot of people that that is their way.

1151
01:10:11,860 –> 01:10:15,699
Randy Black: They they pull back and disconnect because they they’re trying to hide from the pain.

1152
01:10:15,699 –> 01:10:16,179
Randy Black: Yeah.

1153
01:10:16,179 –> 01:10:18,659
Randy Black: It’s it’s part of the way they’re trying to grieve.

1154
01:10:18,840 –> 01:10:21,720
Randy Black: doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s helpful.

1155
01:10:21,720 –> 01:10:23,240
Randy Black: It’s just how they have to do it.

1156
01:10:23,240 –> 01:10:28,920
Randy Black: And I’m not saying I can I don’t say that, you know, this is something that happens to to ridicule somebody.

1157
01:10:28,920 –> 01:10:29,720
Randy Black: Because I’m not.

1158
01:10:29,720 –> 01:10:31,880
Randy Black: Everybody has to handle things in their own way.

1159
01:10:31,880 –> 01:10:32,760
Randy Black: It’s that

1160
01:10:33,360 –> 01:10:39,520
Randy Black: We don’t necessarily always have the support afterwards that we always need.

1161
01:10:39,520 –> 01:10:41,119
Randy Black: And that’s what’s not helpful.

1162
01:10:41,119 –> 01:10:42,719
Randy Black: And a lot of people don’t think about that.

1163
01:10:42,719 –> 01:10:44,000
Randy Black: They don’t consider that

1164
01:10:44,400 –> 01:10:48,640
Randy Black: Um, there’s people who think, well, the funeral’s over, they’re gonna be okay.

1165
01:10:48,960 –> 01:10:50,560
Randy Black: No, not necessarily.

1166
01:10:50,560 –> 01:10:52,000
Randy Black: Um, there’s still struggles.

1167
01:10:52,000 –> 01:10:54,080
Randy Black: There’s things that happen daily you have to deal with.

1168
01:10:54,080 –> 01:10:55,440
Randy Black: We have to work our way through.

1169
01:10:55,560 –> 01:10:56,920
Randy Black: And it’s not easy.

1170
01:10:56,920 –> 01:10:57,719
Randy Black: It’s tough.

1171
01:10:57,719 –> 01:10:58,600
Randy Black: It’s hard.

1172
01:10:58,600 –> 01:11:06,520
Randy Black: And if we had people there with us along the way, we could we could do not necessarily I don’t want to say better, but we could do things

1173
01:11:07,380 –> 01:11:10,020
Randy Black: with more support to push our way forward.

1174
01:11:10,020 –> 01:11:19,940
Elizabeth Clayton: Well, and it’s funny, one of the things I think my dad prefaced on in one of Yarl’s episodes, you know, T talked about when it flooded and he said the people who just show up.

1175
01:11:20,100 –> 01:11:22,420
Elizabeth Clayton: and just r they’re in the trenches with you.

1176
01:11:22,420 –> 01:11:23,700
Elizabeth Clayton: They don’t say, what do you need?

1177
01:11:23,700 –> 01:11:24,660
Elizabeth Clayton: What can I do?

1178
01:11:24,660 –> 01:11:27,860
Elizabeth Clayton: Like they just get a sh they just get a shovel and start moving the mud.

1179
01:11:27,860 –> 01:11:33,860
Elizabeth Clayton: And that those are the kind of people now, I will tell you, um, as you’re sitting here talking

1180
01:11:33,920 –> 01:11:43,600
Elizabeth Clayton: you know, um one of the, you know, uh like your your your your your uh you know, wife’s best friend, the couple you were talking about.

1181
01:11:43,660 –> 01:11:47,340
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, I’ve got certain friends in my life that we don’t talk every day.

1182
01:11:47,340 –> 01:11:49,740
Elizabeth Clayton: There might be weeks or months we don’t talk.

1183
01:11:49,740 –> 01:11:54,940
Elizabeth Clayton: But one of the things that meant a lot to me, um, you know, like the day my dad passed away.

1184
01:11:55,219 –> 01:12:05,699
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, I did it I kind of had a weird feeling the day before, but um that morning when the doctor tapped me on the shoulder before I was by myself with my dad and uh I knew.

1185
01:12:06,040 –> 01:12:08,280
Elizabeth Clayton: This is I had we had to call everybody.

1186
01:12:08,280 –> 01:12:16,199
Elizabeth Clayton: Well, my best friend who lives three hours north, you know, um, she I remember t texting her and she called me.

1187
01:12:16,199 –> 01:12:18,280
Elizabeth Clayton: She goes, Do you want me to get the car and come now

1188
01:12:18,260 –> 01:12:19,780
Elizabeth Clayton: ‘Cause she worked for my dad at one point.

1189
01:12:19,860 –> 01:12:21,380
Elizabeth Clayton: She would design things for my dad.

1190
01:12:21,380 –> 01:12:24,820
Elizabeth Clayton: She had a active rel you know, she was she she knew my dad very well.

1191
01:12:24,820 –> 01:12:28,260
Elizabeth Clayton: She got in the car and she drove that three hours and by damn she came.

1192
01:12:29,180 –> 01:12:35,020
Elizabeth Clayton: She she uh she she she made her way down and she walked in that hospital and she was there.

1193
01:12:35,020 –> 01:12:36,940
Elizabeth Clayton: I didn’t ask sh she just did it.

1194
01:12:36,940 –> 01:12:37,500
Randy Black: Yeah.

1195
01:12:37,500 –> 01:12:41,740
Elizabeth Clayton: And then of course she went back home and then she came back for the funeral and she created what was really cool.

1196
01:12:41,740 –> 01:12:42,860
Elizabeth Clayton: I said, Can you

1197
01:12:43,119 –> 01:12:51,360
Elizabeth Clayton: create something like a pu like some kind of artwork of my dad, something that like just so we can display at the

1198
01:12:51,300 –> 01:13:02,179
Elizabeth Clayton: Well she had a she cause she’s in that graphic design artistry world and um she had a guy who created did the character caricature of my dad and then she put all this stuff together and

1199
01:13:02,640 –> 01:13:03,440
Randy Black: framed it.

1200
01:13:03,440 –> 01:13:10,719
Elizabeth Clayton: And we I hung it in the kitchen at my mom’s house and it’s just so unique and, you know, um I it’s just

1201
01:13:11,219 –> 01:13:17,460
Elizabeth Clayton: People don’t realize the the the things that they do and the process of of grief and loss, how much it really means.

1202
01:13:17,460 –> 01:13:19,620
Elizabeth Clayton: And she and I, we don’t talk every day

1203
01:13:19,680 –> 01:13:25,280
Elizabeth Clayton: Well, there might be a it’s been a couple weeks, you know, but I know if I call her she’s gonna pick right up.

1204
01:13:25,280 –> 01:13:30,720
Elizabeth Clayton: But you know, and then when I went back to Louisville, you know, none of th no no one from Louisville could come and be at the

1205
01:13:30,760 –> 01:13:40,440
Elizabeth Clayton: people my my immediate friends who uh back there but you know, one of the things that really struck me I was working on a Saturday ’cause I still work for Dillard’s part time.

1206
01:13:40,440 –> 01:13:41,960
Elizabeth Clayton: I can’t just let that job go.

1207
01:13:41,960 –> 01:13:43,160
Elizabeth Clayton: I like it too much.

1208
01:13:43,160 –> 01:13:43,480
Elizabeth Clayton: Um

1209
01:13:43,820 –> 01:13:49,500
Elizabeth Clayton: Uh one of the girls I worked with, she’s friend friends with my other best friend and she was going to get something to eat.

1210
01:13:49,500 –> 01:13:52,220
Elizabeth Clayton: And I said, Uh, never mind.

1211
01:13:52,220 –> 01:13:55,180
Elizabeth Clayton: Well she knew how much I love this place called Chicken Salad Chick.

1212
01:13:55,420 –> 01:13:57,100
Elizabeth Clayton: They don’t have it here, but um

1213
01:13:57,360 –> 01:14:05,840
Elizabeth Clayton: Sh my other friend was working at the other mall and she met up with her and they put this big thing of food together for me from chicken sound chicken brought it back to me.

1214
01:14:05,840 –> 01:14:06,560
Elizabeth Clayton: I was still working.

1215
01:14:06,560 –> 01:14:07,920
Elizabeth Clayton: I remember looking at that going

1216
01:14:07,900 –> 01:14:11,260
Elizabeth Clayton: She goes, I had no idea your dad passed away and yada yada.

1217
01:14:11,260 –> 01:14:13,900
Elizabeth Clayton: And it was just, you know, she had no idea.

1218
01:14:13,900 –> 01:14:16,460
Elizabeth Clayton: I didn’t tell her any of that, but my friend did.

1219
01:14:16,460 –> 01:14:19,580
Elizabeth Clayton: And things just things out of the blue

1220
01:14:19,560 –> 01:14:24,199
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, people didn’t know my dad, but all the people that have come out of the Warwick, they see the posts.

1221
01:14:24,199 –> 01:14:25,800
Elizabeth Clayton: They see the videos.

1222
01:14:25,800 –> 01:14:29,880
Elizabeth Clayton: And one of my other friends, this is my last note, we met at Starbucks

1223
01:14:30,219 –> 01:14:31,980
Elizabeth Clayton: about a week and a half ago.

1224
01:14:31,980 –> 01:14:34,060
Elizabeth Clayton: And she just she she’s such a nice person.

1225
01:14:34,060 –> 01:14:37,900
Elizabeth Clayton: She goes, I just want your dad looked like a really he was very inspirational.

1226
01:14:37,900 –> 01:14:39,420
Elizabeth Clayton: She gave me this book.

1227
01:14:39,160 –> 01:14:40,520
Elizabeth Clayton: She goes, I want you to have this.

1228
01:14:40,520 –> 01:14:46,440
Elizabeth Clayton: When somebody I know that, you know, has somebody pass away or they lose, this is what really helped me.

1229
01:14:46,440 –> 01:14:48,440
Elizabeth Clayton: And it’s called the Dash.

1230
01:14:48,440 –> 01:14:50,200
Elizabeth Clayton: And it’s a book about the poem

1231
01:14:50,240 –> 01:14:51,520
Elizabeth Clayton: The dash.

1232
01:14:51,520 –> 01:14:54,000
Elizabeth Clayton: And I said, You did not have to do that.

1233
01:14:54,000 –> 01:14:56,400
Elizabeth Clayton: But she goes, I know how much your dad meant to you.

1234
01:14:56,400 –> 01:14:58,000
Elizabeth Clayton: And she never met my dad.

1235
01:14:58,000 –> 01:14:58,640
Randy Black: Correct

1236
01:14:59,180 –> 01:15:00,860
Elizabeth Clayton: But she didn’t have to do that.

1237
01:15:00,860 –> 01:15:05,020
Elizabeth Clayton: She wanted to meet me at Starbucks and talk about this.

1238
01:15:05,020 –> 01:15:05,660
Randy Black: Yeah.

1239
01:15:05,660 –> 01:15:07,500
Elizabeth Clayton: And sometimes it’s it’s uh

1240
01:15:08,119 –> 01:15:12,599
Elizabeth Clayton: the people you don’t even think of you know sometimes they come out and they care.

1241
01:15:12,599 –> 01:15:16,679
Elizabeth Clayton: And um then you know you think about other people who you think would care.

1242
01:15:16,679 –> 01:15:17,559
Randy Black: Exactly.

1243
01:15:17,559 –> 01:15:20,599
Elizabeth Clayton: At the end of the day, you know They’re not necessarily there.

1244
01:15:20,599 –> 01:15:21,000
Elizabeth Clayton: Yeah.

1245
01:15:21,000 –> 01:15:21,480
Elizabeth Clayton: Yeah.

1246
01:15:22,640 –> 01:15:30,800
Randy Black: So anybody who who listens to this and this episode comes out, you know, we kind of we kind of make sure that we

1247
01:15:31,219 –> 01:15:37,860
Randy Black: give them the chance to to find ways to to to look at grief for themselves and how they handle it.

1248
01:15:37,860 –> 01:15:44,659
Randy Black: So what we what we need everybody to understand is that you have to give yourself

1249
01:15:45,180 –> 01:15:47,340
Randy Black: permission to grieve fully.

1250
01:15:47,660 –> 01:15:49,340
Randy Black: You have to let that happen.

1251
01:15:49,340 –> 01:15:50,700
Randy Black: You can’t hold it in.

1252
01:15:50,700 –> 01:15:52,780
Randy Black: You can’t hold back those emotions.

1253
01:15:52,780 –> 01:15:54,860
Randy Black: You have to go through the process.

1254
01:15:54,860 –> 01:15:56,060
Randy Black: And that process

1255
01:15:56,619 –> 01:15:59,900
Randy Black: may not look the same for you as it does for somebody else.

1256
01:15:59,900 –> 01:16:01,260
Randy Black: You have to do it.

1257
01:16:01,260 –> 01:16:04,699
Randy Black: You have to allow the emotions to flow.

1258
01:16:04,699 –> 01:16:09,020
Randy Black: So you have to even let the positive emotions flow.

1259
01:16:09,020 –> 01:16:11,260
Randy Black: You have to feel joy sometimes.

1260
01:16:11,380 –> 01:16:12,820
Randy Black: You have to laugh.

1261
01:16:12,820 –> 01:16:18,980
Randy Black: You have to have those memories pop up that make you feel good, but you don’t feel guilty about them.

1262
01:16:18,980 –> 01:16:19,460
Randy Black: Yeah.

1263
01:16:19,460 –> 01:16:21,540
Randy Black: You know, every time you and I talk,

1264
01:16:21,740 –> 01:16:23,980
Randy Black: We somehow always talk about your dad.

1265
01:16:23,980 –> 01:16:28,460
Randy Black: And it’s always a positive thing because we know that helps us.

1266
01:16:28,460 –> 01:16:28,780
Randy Black: Yeah.

1267
01:16:28,780 –> 01:16:32,300
Randy Black: That helps us handle how we deal with the situation.

1268
01:16:32,340 –> 01:16:43,620
Randy Black: The biggest thing though we have to make sure people understand is that it’s okay to reach out for support before you reach that breaking point while you greet.

1269
01:16:43,640 –> 01:16:45,400
Randy Black: It’s okay to do so.

1270
01:16:45,400 –> 01:16:51,719
Randy Black: So for anybody who might be listening to this, if you need that support,

1271
01:16:51,740 –> 01:16:58,540
Randy Black: You know, we’re we’re gonna put in the show notes for the episode here a list of some grief support resources.

1272
01:16:58,540 –> 01:17:03,500
Randy Black: I’ve got several here, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, let’s.

1273
01:17:03,460 –> 01:17:14,179
Randy Black: ten or twelve here that you can use to to look at and and try to find ways to to make sure that you’re getting what you need as you go through this process.

1274
01:17:14,179 –> 01:17:17,460
Randy Black: Because that’s that’s the whole goal was to make sure that

1275
01:17:18,560 –> 01:17:21,040
Randy Black: You are able to grieve.

1276
01:17:21,040 –> 01:17:24,080
Randy Black: Because if you don’t, it’s just going to keep coming back.

1277
01:17:24,080 –> 01:17:25,600
Randy Black: It’s going to keep coming back.

1278
01:17:25,600 –> 01:17:27,920
Randy Black: You’re never going to move on

1279
01:17:28,160 –> 01:17:30,880
Randy Black: It’s exactly what we said to each other before we started.

1280
01:17:30,880 –> 01:17:33,040
Randy Black: It’s not about moving on.

1281
01:17:33,040 –> 01:17:34,800
Randy Black: It’s about moving forward.

1282
01:17:34,800 –> 01:17:35,920
Randy Black: That’s the goal.

1283
01:17:35,920 –> 01:17:37,920
Randy Black: You move forward with your life.

1284
01:17:37,920 –> 01:17:39,440
Randy Black: Don’t forget them.

1285
01:17:39,460 –> 01:17:41,460
Elizabeth Clayton: They’re gonna go with us as we move along.

1286
01:17:41,780 –> 01:17:43,139
Randy Black: You you can’t forget them.

1287
01:17:43,460 –> 01:17:45,380
Randy Black: Those memories are always there.

1288
01:17:45,380 –> 01:17:50,099
Randy Black: They have put an impression upon you in your memories in your life.

1289
01:17:50,099 –> 01:17:53,059
Randy Black: They have helped to build you up to what you are

1290
01:17:53,140 –> 01:17:54,739
Randy Black: You can never forget that.

1291
01:17:55,140 –> 01:17:56,340
Randy Black: And that’s the goal.

1292
01:17:57,060 –> 01:18:01,540
Randy Black: We have to look at grief and use it as a way to move forward.

1293
01:18:01,540 –> 01:18:04,500
Randy Black: Not move on, move forward.

1294
01:18:04,500 –> 01:18:06,340
Elizabeth Clayton: And that’s what we’re doing here.

1295
01:18:06,900 –> 01:18:14,740
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, if you really look at it, um, you know, you and I are coming together throughout this whole grief process of

1296
01:18:14,780 –> 01:18:17,740
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, it’s interesting, you know, I know you you lost your father in law.

1297
01:18:17,740 –> 01:18:20,380
Elizabeth Clayton: I had lost a really good friend of mine about a month before my dad died.

1298
01:18:20,380 –> 01:18:20,940
Randy Black: Yeah.

1299
01:18:20,940 –> 01:18:27,420
Elizabeth Clayton: And I was going through the grief of that because I’d she she had gone through a journey I had no idea she had been on

1300
01:18:27,100 –> 01:18:29,020
Elizabeth Clayton: And I didn’t know about she passed.

1301
01:18:29,020 –> 01:18:31,420
Elizabeth Clayton: And I said, why didn’t she tell any of us about it?

1302
01:18:31,420 –> 01:18:33,340
Elizabeth Clayton: We had no idea, so we couldn’t help her.

1303
01:18:33,340 –> 01:18:36,220
Elizabeth Clayton: We were putting all the pieces together after the fact.

1304
01:18:36,220 –> 01:18:37,420
Elizabeth Clayton: But I remember

1305
01:18:37,920 –> 01:18:40,480
Elizabeth Clayton: She was telling my dad about what happened to her.

1306
01:18:40,480 –> 01:18:44,800
Elizabeth Clayton: I almost didn’t want to talk about it because it was a similar thing my dad was going through.

1307
01:18:44,800 –> 01:18:48,800
Elizabeth Clayton: And um, you know, uh it was literally a month

1308
01:18:49,080 –> 01:18:52,520
Elizabeth Clayton: after, you know, with what happened to my dad after she passed.

1309
01:18:52,520 –> 01:18:57,800
Elizabeth Clayton: And um you know, I’d already been kind of through that grief process a little bit, losing her.

1310
01:18:57,800 –> 01:19:00,920
Elizabeth Clayton: And then of course, you know, we went through it with my dad.

1311
01:19:00,920 –> 01:19:03,560
Elizabeth Clayton: And then your father in law passed.

1312
01:19:03,060 –> 01:19:07,780
Randy Black: And, you know, in the process of all this It delayed us and what our plans were and what we were trying to do.

1313
01:19:08,020 –> 01:19:15,460
Elizabeth Clayton: But regardless, you and you know, you were dealing with the grief of losing my dad and what you all created together.

1314
01:19:15,240 –> 01:19:19,160
Elizabeth Clayton: I knew how important what you all created together was to the both of you.

1315
01:19:19,160 –> 01:19:25,720
Elizabeth Clayton: And I like I said, number one, my dad, and the message he was trying to get out and what was so important to him in the process.

1316
01:19:25,720 –> 01:19:26,360
Elizabeth Clayton: And um

1317
01:19:27,020 –> 01:19:34,460
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, this is gonna help both of us through the process and then whoever listens to us on top of it

1318
01:19:35,380 –> 01:19:37,940
Elizabeth Clayton: We have no idea how many people it’s gonna help.

1319
01:19:37,940 –> 01:19:44,980
Randy Black: And that’s and that’s and that’s the whole thing like we that your dad and I said all along is that if in some way

1320
01:19:45,619 –> 01:19:47,540
Randy Black: What we talk about helps you?

1321
01:19:47,540 –> 01:19:48,420
Randy Black: Let us know.

1322
01:19:48,420 –> 01:19:48,820
Randy Black: Yeah.

1323
01:19:48,820 –> 01:19:52,900
Randy Black: We have a contact form on the website for the show, shooting it straight podcast.

1324
01:19:52,900 –> 01:19:54,179
Randy Black: com slash contact

1325
01:19:54,240 –> 01:19:55,120
Randy Black: Fill that out.

1326
01:19:55,120 –> 01:19:55,520
Randy Black: Yeah.

1327
01:19:55,520 –> 01:20:01,840
Randy Black: Send that in and you know let us know if we’ve done something, said something that’s helped you in some way

1328
01:20:01,700 –> 01:20:11,860
Randy Black: And in doing so, that helps us to understand the value that we’re providing out to you by listening and listening to us share on what it is.

1329
01:20:11,660 –> 01:20:16,780
Randy Black: We’re learning and developing and going through and especially this with grief and what we’re having to go through.

1330
01:20:16,780 –> 01:20:19,500
Elizabeth Clayton: You just today my mom uh before I

1331
01:20:19,560 –> 01:20:20,679
Elizabeth Clayton: got the card to come here.

1332
01:20:20,679 –> 01:20:26,840
Elizabeth Clayton: She goes, hey, did you see the Christmas card from your uh cousin Tim, which is my dad’s first cousin, and um

1333
01:20:27,260 –> 01:20:30,700
Elizabeth Clayton: He actually wrote our he wrote a note on the back of the card.

1334
01:20:30,700 –> 01:20:37,180
Elizabeth Clayton: He said, Hey, um, you know, I’ve been listening to this of the podcast, and he has an archery group, uh, a boys’ archery group, probably

1335
01:20:37,280 –> 01:20:38,320
Elizabeth Clayton: you know, I don’t know their age.

1336
01:20:38,320 –> 01:20:39,200
Elizabeth Clayton: There’s thirty-six of them.

1337
01:20:39,520 –> 01:20:44,560
Elizabeth Clayton: He goes, I’ve been sharing some of the things I’ve been learning on the podcast with with the uh the archery group that I have.

1338
01:20:44,720 –> 01:20:45,280
Elizabeth Clayton: Awesome.

1339
01:20:45,280 –> 01:20:49,120
Elizabeth Clayton: And then of course one of the the people that popped up recently

1340
01:20:48,960 –> 01:20:52,000
Elizabeth Clayton: Um, one of the coaches, actually she’s good friends with her name’s Linda Bennett.

1341
01:20:52,000 –> 01:20:53,520
Elizabeth Clayton: She coached at University of Charleston.

1342
01:20:53,520 –> 01:20:57,440
Elizabeth Clayton: She’s good friends with Greg White and she didn’t know my dad had passed.

1343
01:20:57,440 –> 01:21:03,760
Elizabeth Clayton: I was at work one day, like two three weeks ago right before Thanksgiving, and my dad’s phone rings.

1344
01:21:03,240 –> 01:21:06,840
Elizabeth Clayton: And it says Linda, and I’m thinking, Linda?

1345
01:21:06,840 –> 01:21:08,440
Elizabeth Clayton: Something told me to answer the phone.

1346
01:21:08,440 –> 01:21:09,720
Elizabeth Clayton: Well, it was her.

1347
01:21:09,720 –> 01:21:14,120
Elizabeth Clayton: And so she had been somewhere and found out my dad passed, had no idea he had passed.

1348
01:21:14,120 –> 01:21:14,920
Elizabeth Clayton: So anyway

1349
01:21:15,440 –> 01:21:21,200
Elizabeth Clayton: She came, was in Huntington for Thanksgiving, and I said, well, stop by, you know, after you’re done.

1350
01:21:21,200 –> 01:21:22,480
Elizabeth Clayton: We want I want to see you.

1351
01:21:22,480 –> 01:21:25,760
Elizabeth Clayton: Well, I told her, I said, you gotta listen to my dad, the podcast.

1352
01:21:25,560 –> 01:21:28,600
Elizabeth Clayton: Well, she texted me and said, She goes, You have not it.

1353
01:21:28,600 –> 01:21:29,880
Elizabeth Clayton: She goes, This has been helping me so much.

1354
01:21:29,880 –> 01:21:35,159
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, she goes, I was kind of in a rut and just needed that ’cause she she loved my dad so much.

1355
01:21:35,159 –> 01:21:35,800
Elizabeth Clayton: And so

1356
01:21:35,940 –> 01:21:43,380
Elizabeth Clayton: Just so many of the people that I’ve talked about in the podcast with, they’re actually listening to these episodes that you all recorded.

1357
01:21:43,380 –> 01:21:46,580
Elizabeth Clayton: And that that that really that that really uh

1358
01:21:47,520 –> 01:21:49,840
Elizabeth Clayton: It it uh stirs a heart string in me.

1359
01:21:49,840 –> 01:21:57,440
Elizabeth Clayton: You remember my dad saying that one of your episodes, like there’s just something about it, you know, and that’s I know that he’s not here.

1360
01:21:57,699 –> 01:21:59,380
Elizabeth Clayton: physically with us right now.

1361
01:21:59,860 –> 01:22:07,460
Elizabeth Clayton: But what you walk what you all were able to do in that short amount of time, you know, all the people that are gonna listen to those.

1362
01:22:07,460 –> 01:22:07,860
Randy Black: Yeah.

1363
01:22:08,420 –> 01:22:10,340
Randy Black: And as it’s not going anywhere.

1364
01:22:10,340 –> 01:22:10,900
Randy Black: They’re going to be able to do that.

1365
01:22:12,900 –> 01:22:22,020
Elizabeth Clayton: You know, I’m not my dad, but at the end of the day, I am full of of a lot of things that he taught me, and I I I just hope that we can have a similar impact.

1366
01:22:22,020 –> 01:22:22,900
Randy Black: Yeah.

1367
01:22:23,000 –> 01:22:28,120
Randy Black: So I’m going to close out with this last statement and then we’ll we’ll move on to closing out the show.

1368
01:22:28,120 –> 01:22:30,360
Randy Black: But I’m going to close out with this.

1369
01:22:30,360 –> 01:22:35,560
Randy Black: Resilience in grief isn’t about getting back to normal.

1370
01:22:35,820 –> 01:22:37,740
Randy Black: Because it’s never gonna be normal.

1371
01:22:38,460 –> 01:22:45,020
Randy Black: It’s about learning how to live forward while we honor what we lost.

1372
01:22:45,580 –> 01:22:49,260
Randy Black: That’s how we move forward and be resilient in our grief.

1373
01:22:50,679 –> 01:23:01,640
Randy Black: Before we move on, I want to take a moment to speak directly to anyone listening who might be carrying their own grief right now, as we did in the conversation.

1374
01:23:01,920 –> 01:23:05,920
Randy Black: You know, we know that conversations like this can stir up a lot of emotions.

1375
01:23:05,920 –> 01:23:12,240
Randy Black: And if that’s happening for you, we want you to know that you don’t have to walk through this alone.

1376
01:23:12,680 –> 01:23:21,640
Randy Black: As we mentioned in our conversation in the show notes for this episode, we’ve included a list of grief support resources, some organizations, books, and

1377
01:23:22,020 –> 01:23:30,580
Randy Black: support lines that are available if you need someone to talk to or if you’re just looking for some guidance as you navigate through loss.

1378
01:23:30,940 –> 01:23:38,380
Randy Black: Whether you’re in the early days of grief or you’re further down the road, these resources are there for you.

1379
01:23:38,380 –> 01:23:41,180
Randy Black: And I’d really encourage you to take a look at them

1380
01:23:41,260 –> 01:23:46,300
Randy Black: and maybe use them in your own life to help you as you work through this process.

1381
01:23:47,820 –> 01:23:52,140
Randy Black: With that said, we’re going to move on in the episode and we’re going to transition to.

1382
01:23:52,699 –> 01:24:00,540
Randy Black: My the segment that I’ve created that has become my most favorite segment of all time.

1383
01:24:00,540 –> 01:24:04,540
Randy Black: When I did it with my my good friend and my former co-host Jim Clayton.

1384
01:24:04,540 –> 01:24:07,980
Randy Black: And that’s called the Wisdom of the Week.

1385
01:24:09,579 –> 01:24:12,300
Randy Black: Now it’s time for our wisdom of the week.

1386
01:24:12,300 –> 01:24:14,780
Randy Black: It’s a moment where we pause, reflect, and

1387
01:24:15,460 –> 01:24:20,179
Randy Black: Share a thought that’s meant to ground us.

1388
01:24:20,179 –> 01:24:29,860
Randy Black: Especially in seasons like this, we have to find something that will help carry us on and carry and move us forward.

1389
01:24:29,440 –> 01:24:36,320
Randy Black: Our wisdom of the week this week is built on a very simple but a powerful truth that can apply here very easily.

1390
01:24:36,320 –> 01:24:38,800
Randy Black: And that is that hope is not a feeling.

1391
01:24:38,840 –> 01:24:44,760
Randy Black: It’s a choice to look beyond what you see.

1392
01:24:44,760 –> 01:24:50,040
Randy Black: When you’re walking through grief, hope is often the first thing people think you’ve lost

1393
01:24:50,240 –> 01:24:57,440
Randy Black: And the truth is, in in seasons like this, hope rarely feels strong.

1394
01:24:57,440 –> 01:25:00,320
Randy Black: It doesn’t always come with confidence or clarity.

1395
01:25:01,140 –> 01:25:05,700
Randy Black: Most days it it doesn’t even feel present at all.

1396
01:25:05,700 –> 01:25:08,900
Randy Black: But hope isn’t the same as optimism.

1397
01:25:08,900 –> 01:25:15,380
Randy Black: It isn’t pretending that everything’s okay, and it isn’t forcing yourself to see the bright side.

1398
01:25:15,219 –> 01:25:24,420
Randy Black: Hope is choosing, sometimes moment by moment, to believe that what you’re experiencing right now is not the end of the story.

1399
01:25:25,140 –> 01:25:29,940
Randy Black: Grief has a way of narrowing our vision.

1400
01:25:29,940 –> 01:25:36,020
Randy Black: All we can see is the loss, the empty space, the change that we didn’t ask for.

1401
01:25:36,619 –> 01:25:41,739
Randy Black: And in those moments, choosing hope doesn’t mean denying the pain.

1402
01:25:41,739 –> 01:25:48,940
Randy Black: It means acknowledging it and still deciding that to take the next step forward.

1403
01:25:49,660 –> 01:25:53,500
Randy Black: Hope might look like getting out of bed when you don’t want to.

1404
01:25:53,500 –> 01:25:56,220
Randy Black: It might look like asking for help.

1405
01:25:56,220 –> 01:26:01,740
Randy Black: It might look like allowing yourself to laugh again without guilt.

1406
01:26:02,260 –> 01:26:06,180
Randy Black: In seasons of loss, hope is quiet.

1407
01:26:06,180 –> 01:26:08,580
Randy Black: It’s steady.

1408
01:26:08,580 –> 01:26:10,340
Randy Black: And it’s resilient.

1409
01:26:10,740 –> 01:26:12,900
Randy Black: It’s not about what you feel.

1410
01:26:12,960 –> 01:26:17,920
Randy Black: It’s about what you choose to hold on to when feelings fail you.

1411
01:26:17,920 –> 01:26:23,679
Randy Black: So wherever you are today, if hope feels distant, remember this.

1412
01:26:23,679 –> 01:26:27,040
Randy Black: You don’t have to feel hopeful to choose hope.

1413
01:26:27,640 –> 01:26:35,960
Randy Black: Sometimes choosing to look beyond what you see right now is the strongest step that you can take.

1414
01:26:37,360 –> 01:26:44,320
Randy Black: As we bring this episode to a close, I want to thank you for spending time with us, especially on a topic that

1415
01:26:44,980 –> 01:26:48,820
Randy Black: isn’t easy to listen to or to talk about.

1416
01:26:48,820 –> 01:26:53,780
Randy Black: Grief doesn’t come with clear answers and it doesn’t follow a schedule.

1417
01:26:53,780 –> 01:26:55,940
Randy Black: It shows up when it wants to.

1418
01:26:55,860 –> 01:27:01,780
Randy Black: in ways that we don’t expect and sometimes long after we think we’ve already dealt with it.

1419
01:27:01,780 –> 01:27:05,940
Randy Black: If there’s one thing I can hope you take away from today, it’s this.

1420
01:27:05,940 –> 01:27:10,660
Randy Black: Whether you whatever it is you’re feeling right now, that’s valid.

1421
01:27:09,940 –> 01:27:21,300
Randy Black: Whether you’re deep in grief, somewhere in the middle, or carrying a loss from years ago that still finds its way back to the surface, you’re not broken.

1422
01:27:21,300 –> 01:27:23,060
Randy Black: And you’re not doing this wrong

1423
01:27:23,880 –> 01:27:29,560
Randy Black: Elizabeth and I didn’t share this conversation because we figured grief out.

1424
01:27:29,560 –> 01:27:32,679
Randy Black: We shared it because we’re still in it.

1425
01:27:32,740 –> 01:27:34,100
Randy Black: We’re still learning.

1426
01:27:34,100 –> 01:27:35,540
Randy Black: We’re still adjusting.

1427
01:27:35,540 –> 01:27:41,700
Randy Black: Still choosing day by day to move forward while carrying what we’ve lost with us.

1428
01:27:42,740 –> 01:27:52,020
Randy Black: If this episode stirred you in something in you, I encourage you to take a look at the resources that we’ve mentioned more than once now.

1429
01:27:52,040 –> 01:27:53,960
Randy Black: that they’re linked here in our show notes.

1430
01:27:53,960 –> 01:27:56,760
Randy Black: You can find them by heading over to shootingitstraightpodcast.

1431
01:27:56,760 –> 01:28:00,840
Randy Black: com slash zero one seven and that’s the page for this episode.

1432
01:28:01,420 –> 01:28:05,100
Randy Black: Reaching out for support isn’t weakness.

1433
01:28:05,100 –> 01:28:06,620
Randy Black: It’s wisdom.

1434
01:28:06,620 –> 01:28:12,940
Randy Black: And sometimes the most resilient thing you can do is admit that you don’t want to walk this road alone

1435
01:28:13,760 –> 01:28:17,280
Randy Black: Thank you for trusting us with this space.

1436
01:28:17,280 –> 01:28:20,720
Randy Black: Thank you for listening with open hearts.

1437
01:28:20,720 –> 01:28:25,200
Randy Black: And wherever you are on your journey, I hope you know this.

1438
01:28:25,420 –> 01:28:29,500
Randy Black: You don’t have to have everything figured out to take the next step.

1439
01:28:29,500 –> 01:28:33,340
Randy Black: Join us on the next episode of Shooting It Straight.

1440
01:28:32,800 –> 01:28:43,280
Randy Black: where we’ll keep doing exactly what we’ve done from day number one, having clear talk about topics that we hope help you in some way.

1441
01:28:43,280 –> 01:28:44,320
Randy Black: Join us then

1442
01:28:46,740 –> 01:28:48,340
Coach Jim Clayton: Bam, son.